If i didn't post this, i wouldn't be Zack Oates.

11, Yes, 11 Steps to Becoming Pretentious

Most people ask me if I am pretentious on purpose. I tell them no, but through a long and arduous process of learning the procedures of pretentiousness, I have discovered the art. I will now share with you steps for being pretentious. I trust it will be as educational for you as it was enlightening for me. They would be 10 easy steps, but that is so cliché, so I decided to do 11. (see, I’m already teaching though example how to be pretentious!)

1. Talk about being pretentious a lot, but joke about it like you don’t know you really are.
2. Whenever you use a four-syllable word, blame it on your private school education.
3. No matter how outlandish of a location, if someone confesses they really want to go somewhere, say with a blasé overtone, “Oh, [chuckle] I vaca there nearly every year. You are not missing much.”
4. Use the word “vaca” instead of “vacation.” Other abrivs are welcome as well.
5. If someone already uses the word “vaca” in a conversation, say “holiday” insead of “vacation.” It is very important not to let them know they used the word properly.
6. If someone mentions New Jersey, talk about Short Hills. If they mention California, talk about Laguna Beach. If they mention Hawaii, talk about the house you have there. If they mention NYC or any other state (yes…there are more besides NJ, NY and HA) talk about them being passé.
7. Use French words superfluously. [sigh] Let me explain. If you type something on the computer, you know, the machine you have in front of you right now, and there is a little accent (which looks like a dash) above a letter, it probably is a French word.
8. Whenever you use a five-syllable word, sigh, say “let me explain” and then go into gross detail.
9. Never quote a Mel Gibson movie. Anti-Semitics are very taboo.
10. Pronounce foreign cities with a local accent…unless you are there—then make sure the locals know you are from A-M-E-R-I-C-A (Professional recommendation: pronounce that in a slow and loud way. Most foreigners are deaf…apparently.)
11. Teach people how to be pretentious.

Sincere Thoughts after a Long Silence

In my blogging hiatus, I have had many topics swell in my mind and have on occasion tried to drip them into some form of comprehensible web-conducive format. The impervious excuses became more prevalent and the intrinsically important topics became more personal.

So with that unneeded preface, I wish to express gratitude. Yes, during my solace of silence I have had so many experiences, some wonderful and some surgically awful, but with each one came both silent assistance and strong support that has allowed me to write with the perspective I now have.

Naked Communications was such a marvelous internship. They were helpful and kind, funny and serious, smart and really smart. They set me up for an incredible life-journey and really set the course. They are the hinge on which I feel a great potion of my vocational career will be based. I wanted to thank Naked Communications and those who helped me to have that incredible opportunity.

My family has been a big help as well. With writhing repose I have sulked at home for the greater portion of this last week and a half after my shoulder surgery. It was an all-in-all difficult experience, but will be so worth it in the end…but isn’t that true with many things in life that we really need? I digress. My family has not only waited on my every need, but has done so through a litany of angry grunts, pain-pill-incited delirium and pain-pill-not-working-as-well-as-I-thought-it-should complaints. It is hard enough dealing with me not being able to leave the house, now combine that with the circumstances…ya; they deserve a thank you verbal as well as blogged.

My friends have also been horrifically understanding. The calls that were unrequited with a return, the texts of simple good wishes and the messages of happy greetings were so appreciated. Wealthy is he whose facebook friends are more than a number and consider him as such in return.

This past little while has been a tough one in the life of Zack Oates and nothing gives me more courage to go ahead than looking beside and behind to find some bolstering and the rest pushing me forward.

So thanks, for everything; but mostly thanks for what you consider to be “nothing.”