Part 5: Sexual Attraction

Warning: I get into some details you may not want to read out loud to your children. Ya know what...take that warning for every post of mine, come to think of it.

We had been hanging out for a few weeks. I was thinking things were going somewhere because everything lined up. I mean she was beautiful, smart, open, spiritual--it seemed like a perfect match. I took her under the stars, put on the great-date-show and was ready to pull the big move: hold her hand (that has a bit of sarcastic over-tone, in case you didn't catch it). I started with the classic hand massage (...classic--cant understate that move) and then moved into the inter-digitation hand holding with the thumb thing (but just enough of the thumb moving, not so much where you get uncomfortable, ya know? and none of that arm rubbing junk. man, i hate it when they rub my arm! let my hairy arms be, would ya?! Anyways, i digress.)
Everything was perfect...except for one thing.
I thought i was holding my sister's hand.
I felt so awkward.
Our hands wouldn't quite fit, there was a rock right under my back, i didn't want to look at her, and i felt nothing. I mean nothing. I didn't even want to kiss her. In a horrific moment of self-reflective honesty, i realized the facade of four attractions would not support a relationship. There needed to be that something more, that "x" factor...that sexual attraction. (Note to reader: the "x" factor should not to be confused with the "ex" factor, which is a random make-out with a former gf/bf...again, ...classic--but in the tried and tested opinion of the author, NOT recommended)

I can think a girl is the most beautiful girl in the world--but just don't want to kiss her or hold her hand or anything. And i'll be honest in saying that girls will tell me that they like me, but just not in "THAT" way, as they describe it. There needs to be that desire. One girl told me i was like a "wet keg of gunpowder"...meaning all of the potential, but none of the spark. I am still a little burned from that one (not really...but had to throw in the pun).
That lack of carnal desire i define as sexual attraction. It HAS to be there. It doesn't have to be the first on the list, but has to be there...in modest amounts. A great relationship can be over-runned by this type of attraction, but when used properly, sexual attraction can be the glue that proves that all the other attractions really are valid and will heighten them to a new level. (this is one of the reasons i truly believe in no sex before marriage).
And for those that say you have to have sex to see if you are intimately compatible, i totally disagree. I'm not buying a care, i'm looking for a spouse. I remember one of the best first kisses i ever had. When our lips touched, it was magical. I mean Epcot Center on the 4th of july couldn't hold a candle to the fireworks that were going off. (Didn't even use tongue.)
On the other hand a relationship that is built solely on sexual attraction is like trying to balance a tray of wine-filled stemware over a white carpet on the sharp side of a thumbtack...it will fall. it will get messy. you will regret it.

Final word: If she doesn't make you go "WHOPEEE," then you've got an "oopsy."

(stay tuned for the one "Law of Attractions")

Part 4: Spiritual Attraction

We had never even been on a date. She wasn't a mormon. We were at the same party and when things were starting to die down i asked, "do you want to go outside?"
The cool summer breeze kissed our cheeks as we snuggled up close under a blanket, pretending to be cold. We laid there for five minutes without even speaking--just gazing. We started to talk about religion and God and the purpose of life. We chatted for about an hour. I kissed her on the forehead and we headed inside to play the Wii. (I beat her and didn't even feel bad.)

That was it.
No awful ending.
Sometimes that happens--even with me, believe it or not.

With very VERY few relationships, i have been able to transition from having fun to talking about spirituality back to fun. But those, ah those my dear friends, are the relationships that you must treasure. They are precious gems amidst the rocky road of regretful relationship blunders.
Now if you don't have a spiritual side, get one. And not even because you want to believe in a higher power--but just because relationships are SO much better with that additional benefit of spiritualism. Those Godless spiritual-less couples are living a 4-sided pentagonal relationship (one more attraction left to discuss!).
But it is not just about both people BEing spiritual, it is about the mutual attraction--it is about the spiritualities(?) matching up. I once like this girl who ended up being a witch. Like an actual witch, not a clever add in for another similar-sounding word. I bought some books to read up on it...but the spiritual attraction died when i got to not shaving legs part (okay...it really ended at the "witch" part in general...but i did buy a book and read it).

Final word: If you can't get spiritual under the stars (without getting physical), then you need to get out!

Part 3: Emotional Attraction

It was our fourth date. I had been playing things off casually and having a great time. Then things took a turn south when she asked the question, "Why do you like [that]?" (I don't even remember what she was talking about, I just remember that penetrating question "why")
It was weird. I usually don't have a problem talking about my emotions or, quite frankly, myself, (I mean look, I have a whole blog--a virtual shrine, if you will--dedicated to me talking about myself), but I just didn't want to talk to HER about me outside of lawn croquet and s'mores. I also didn't want to talk about me not wanting to talk about it.
Soon I realized it must end. But there was a problem...I didn't want to talk about it.
So I did what any self-respecting young man would do, I searched for a "deal-breaker" in her book and tried to play it up. Unfortunately, she loved Christmas. So, for one week, I non-stop talked about how much I hate Christmas. (Now I really don't hate Christmas, I just hate DECORATING for Christmas. And yes, that was my Christmas shout out on this blog. Now it's over. Hope you enjoyed the holiday greetings.) Anyways, she dumped me, I never had to talk about it and we got on our very merry way.

Emotional attraction is not that you CAN'T talk about certain things because of the stupidity of the other person, but that you just never WANT to because of a plethora of possible problems (+2 points for a triple alliteration). But if you cannot open up to someone to tell them how you are really feeling then things will never EVER work for reals (for a GREAT example of this, watch episode 11, Hairography, of Glee and the relationship between Mr Schuester and his wife).

And can you be you...or are you just trying to be who they want you to be? There is a fine line between "expanding your horizons" and faking it. People hate liars. Eventually you will hate yourself too.

And how do your life philosophies match up? I dated a girl who wanted to stay in Utah her whole life to be next to her family. I liked her and I loved Utah, but not THAT much...on either account.

Final word: If you want to eat at a chinese restaurant, but don't feel comfortable telling your significant other--maybe you need to find another in whom to place significance.

Part 2: Intelectual Attraction

"Wait...what does that mean again?"
It was the third time I used the word "facetious" that night.
Things were not going well.
It wasn't that I'm super smart or anything...it's just that, well--she was super stupid.

Now I know that sounds harsh, but sometimes even my ethereal thoughts find themselves in a different world from the girls I'm with (or with whom I am...or am whom I with...or, hmm--see again, NOT super smart). Now lest you think me bragging, I can think of plenty times where the girl has been WAY smarter than me (I am just smart enough not to ask what every other word means)--no fun either. It is important that there is an attractive connectiveness on a SIMILAR intellectuall plane.

One of my best dating relationships (I use that "r" word very loosely here, mind you) was completely intilectually satisfying. She would speak for about 3-5 min, then I would return with my own monologue; then she would have a swift rebuttal and I would snap back. Her thoughts rolled off her lips and caressed my deepest intrigue. It was a romantic waltz of words that effortlessly danced across hours...
But when I have to define a word (that is not even more than 3 syllables, mind you) more than twice in a night...no thank you.

That all being said, it is important to note one thing: if you are going to have an affair, have an intellektual affair. You can have a stimulating conversation a co-worker, friend, parent, sibling, etc. and still keep your heart locked onto the one true love.

Final word: But don't marry an idiot (unless there is money involved...then take your chances) because, while beauty is only skin deep, stupid lasts forever.

(oh, and by the way, I know how to spell intellectuel, i was making a joke)

Part 1: Physical Attraction

(this picture will be referenced LATER in the post and has nothing to do with the opening)

A silent rumble of whispers washes across the crowded room as the apartment door closes, admitting a new attendee. Between the over-gelled hair and the under-developed make-up skills, you see a beam of radiance. You are astounded. You want to go up and speak with her...but your legs don't have the strength, your stomach doesn't have the nerve and for the first time in your life...you can't think of something to say.
Don't worry...it's not love, it is physical attraction.

Happens to the best of us--and to the rest of us--seeing a person across the room who just simply, in one word...beautiful. I have a lot of trouble with this type of attraction because this is what, more than anything else, gives me sweaty hands. I can't think of stuff to say and then because of this...no other attraction can develop.
That being said, in dating, you don't have to find a person who makes you fall off of your seat, just some one with whom there is physical attraction to some level. Or even some one with whom there could be a potential. Like Miss Party Animal here....she could, eventually...maybe be physically attractive.
Two quick illustrative stories:
1. I liked a girl. she was okay looking. we started talking...i totally fell for her. we dated.
2. I like a girl. She was beautiful. we started talking...i couldn't have been less attracted to an outfit featuring brown dress pants and a black tee.
Physical attraction, while it may be the most noticeable type of attraction at first, is, in my opinion, the most fickle. It can change in a day based off of a stupid comment or soul-bearing conversation.

Final word: Keep an eye on your physical attraction level. It is a great bench-mark for the other types of attraction.

Opener: Dating--as I see it

People ask me how many dates I've been on. I have never really known, but have ball-parked it at around "a lot". And while most of the heart ache and expensive dates could have been replaced with "a dolla' fifty in late cha'rges at the public libra'ry"...i did learn a lot about attraction. So save yourself the time and expenses (including the $1.50) and take a gander at my final thesis on dating. (until i write another one)

This is the opener in a 6-part series blog post on my theory of attraction. this is a theory i have been developing for over a year now; but due to a recent comment on an old post (about me wanting do date a hot girl) by a the semi-anonymous "Cherie," i thought now a good time to post this. it is a theory i have been expressing to many people and use it as a measuring stick for every dating relationship. this is the summon bonun (as Joseph Smith would say) of my dating life and i am officially publishing it to the world.

I call this theory: The 5 Types of Attraction (the 6th post is going to be the one law of attraction)

Join me on this journey through the intricacies of dating--and not--as I see it. Each post will have a story of an anonymous girl, a fake picture of that girl and the reason for the lesson.

I will be posting starting this Monday and we'll work from there.

let me know your thoughts along the way!

Ugly...but a Bright Future?

hey...isn't that the third star of grumpy old men? Or wait, maybe that is the mantauk monster.

no...alas, it is a bear. a sad bald bear that lives in Germany at the Leipzig Zoo. Since 2007 the bear has been going bald. the National Geographic article says that this "non-life-threatening condition" is "baffling experts" while others are "scared" because it was the "first" time they had seen "this." (superfluous quotes necessary) They think it may have to do with a bad diet or something.

Well listen...my grandad (both of them actually) went bald from a lot less than cheap zoo popcorn and dip-n-dots...although i have to say, they sure don't look "this" ugly.

but hey...maybe when Mr. Bigglesworth dies in Austin Powers 45 (hopefully we all die before that sad sad movie gets there), this bear could find a spot in the movie industry.

I'm Still not gay--but could have fooled my father...again.

My father's head sunk down.
"i was hoping i was wrong..."

He wasn't.

I got spray tanned.

Call it a confession of guilt or a pronunciation of self-assurance...but i got a spray tan yesterday. i was in a hoity-toity salon in north jersey and had just finished getting my hair cut. My mother was still getting her hair done and told me that while i'm waiting i should get a spray tan. My best friend's mother owns the salon and offered to spray me. and to be honest...it looks pretty natural.

For those of you who don't quite know how that works (like me yesterday morning), you get into a room, strip until you are almost naked, and then get spray painted and let the stuff sit on your body for 8 hours. Besides being nearly naked in front of one of my best friend's mother...it wasn't that bad.

then i went to my sister's basketball game and one of the mothers came up to me and said, "Wow...Zack, you look REALLY tan!" I said, "I know, i just got back from 2 weeks in Ukraine!" The look of confusion flushed over her face.

At least it wasn't the look of embarrassment form my father's face.

No worries though. Once in a lifetime experience. My wife can deal with my white butt.

Best Facebook Advice EVER from Billy Reano

(The following are from the wonderful mind Billy Reano. if you enjoy this post as much as i enjoyed his comment, you'll probably wanna visit his blog. www.billyreano.blogspot.com)

Yesterday I posed a question of how to fbook someone properly that i don't really know. Billy to the rescue. (and yes...i did go through his fbook pics to find this to post onto my blog)


He wrote:

Step 1: You must get you in her mind, somehow

Well, I would start on just commenting on one of her statuses...that'll spark some kind of curiosity. She's probably wondering how you are friends as well.

Step 2: Keep showing general interest in your FB friendship

Keep showing indirect interest until some common interest happens (she comments on a show that both of you have seen or like). From there, you can try to spur up the courage to write on her wall asking her about that interest coupled with a polite inquiry about her day. She'll respond, because of FB social obligation.

Step 3: the invitation to meet in person through FB

You then eventually invite her to a FB event. This event must have a bunch of people. If she accepts, then you can meet (or remeet) her and then pursue upon desire. If she does not due to some other obligation, make light of it and keep pursuing via FB wall. Then, from there, you can either try to invite her to another thing (which she can't reject a SECOND time) or just try to meet up for some kind of hangout.

Also, don't be afraid to do a message. Sometimes things are best kept between you two. Even if it's not uber personal, it's still between you two, thus forming a small intimate relationship already.

Good Luck.

Thanksgiving Dinner in Ukraine and Stalking Girls Question (unrelated)

Ok…so I just got back from Ukraine yesterday and first thing’s first: blogging.

Wow…what a trip. We traveled in the country for a total of like 50 hours. Wait ya, you read that right, once we actually spent a day and a half GETTING there, we traveled another 50 hours and THEN we made our way back home. We visited 4 different directors of centers for battered women and had a very emotionally charged trip.

This picture is Jesse Moore (our photographer from Icon Memories) eating thanksgiving dinner: sausage and smoked plum pizza. Ya. You read that right too. Smoked plum. Jesse doesn’t read Russian and I was too tired to read the ENTIRE list of ingredients on the pizza. It read “sausage, sauce, cheese…” So I told him it was a sausage pizza. (in my defense, I ordered one too) Thus it was—our thanksgiving dinner.

Anyways—back to girl troubles. So I had this very attractive girl facebook me not too long ago. I know her but can’t figure out from where. We have a couple friends in common but none that have written on her wall recently (ya…I stalked her—call me creepy, go ahead. But don’t forget that you do it too.). I want to ask her out.

…what do I do?