so APPARENTLY, not all Chicks are Crazy!

Life and Experience, the two great weavers who have promised me a wardrobe of education through time have yet fooled me again with my 'new clothing.'

In the pomp of presumption i have been reduced to the decision that, in spite of the best intentions--women's grasp on reality is grounded in fiction. Yet again (again again), i find myself piously parading (+2 points alliteration) around my kingdom of fictitiously fawning (+2) adorers who cry out that I, in fact, am the one who is "just hopelessly stupid."

turns out...not all chicks are crazy.

How about that?

As truth would have it, not only do they have level heads and flawless bouts with logic, but they can pull it off looking good wearing pj's and eating taco bell.

I have looked in the mirror and have seen i am naked (not many have...). With all of the accessories in this closet, it is a sad sight to see such a poor choice of philosophical fashion (+1/2..?).

Take this as my confession phase of repentance. To the wizards of wit and the jesters of just--to the cleaver weavers of Life and Experience--i strip myself of your nakedness conclude this pornographic procession (boom!) of ignorance!

I hereby do not believe all chicks are crazy!

(that being said, there ARE a lot of crazies than normal ones...)

p.s. did you know that "The Emperor New Clothes" was first published with "The Little Mermaid"...go figure! no wonder i love it so much.

3 Types of Break Up's

1) "take a break" up
2) "i want to break your face" up
3) "let's stop breaking the law of chastity" up

1) how many people do you know that break up only to get back together hotter and heavier (not a fat joke...unless one or both of the parties was super depressed and binged but forgot to purge) than ever? All. the. time. People, get over yourselves and get over them. Not to make a sports reference or anything, but how many times can Michal Jordan retire? we get sick of it. be a man. either do it or don't.

2) Ugly. ugly ugly. I can happily say i have never had one of these. All of my break-ups have been smooth (they usually are eager to get out...so it works). But I have seen egging of cars, destruction of property, breaking and entering, punching holes in he wall, hate letters, blogs dedicated to hating dating (BUT, you CAN have a blog about hating dating without actually having a relationship like that ;-) ). I'm just saying, if you got dumped get over it. it is you, not them. going crazy will just affirm their claims that you are.

3) my favorite. (k...now this doesn't mean that you actually almost broke the law of chastity, i just couldn't come up with a third clever title) Like i said about dating ex's, it is so wonderful when you break up because you guys are mature enough to realize that something is not right, but you can still be friends. I recently got back together with an ex...as a friend; I feel like i got my best friend back. I have no romantic feelings towards her and neither her towards me--we finally just are friends again. These break ups are rare, but should be treasured.

So if you do choose a break up--get it done, hide your gun and have some fun.

The Only Thing I Do for 23 1/2 Hours a Day...

If you don't mind--i will digress from my open forum on whining about why i hate dating to move onto a more pressing and permanent (hopefully...then again, hopefully not) topic: my hair.

I wear glasses. I use hair product.
I don't wear glasses when applying hair product.

In november i got a new hair product--Bed Head Treat Me Right. The good stuff. It was in a blue container, smelled a little like peppermint and felt like melted playdoh (wow...i think more than t9 texting (back in the day before i got a smart phone), blogging has opened up my mind to the world of correct spelling. it isn't playdough OR playdo, as i have been spelling it my entire life). I liked it a lot!

But a couple of weeks ago i put in my contacts for the first time in months. I ended up doing my hair and it occurred to me that i have never been able to read the label of my the goop i'm putting in my hair.

so i did.

this is what i read: "Peppermint Hair Mask" I was a little confused. --maybe 'mask' is the new posh way of saying 'gel'?--nope.

I twisted the tub to see the sassy content typical of the bed head brand, "Is your hair screamin' treat me right? Give your hair a spa treatment in 5 minutes with this stimulating and conditioning mask"

ya.

i had been doing my hair with deep conditioner treatment.

...and still do.

So now when people run their fingers through my soft luscious hair and ask if i condition, i can confidently say, "yes...in fact i do. 23 1/2 hours a day, actually." (i like long showers)

Can I Date a Girl without Facebook?!

My freshman year of college was one of the craziest times in my entire life. I would gorge myself at the cannon center, play racquetball for hours a day, visit traditional provo monuments (the Y, squaw peak (giggidy yeah!), etc), get into prank wars (which culminated in a kiddie pool in my room...ya. let's just say....ya. (see the bottom of this post if you REALLY want to know what happened in this pic)), and on top of that, go on like 10 dates a week. (...oh yeah, i would also go to class(?))

Now while my roommate resorted to spreadsheets to keep his dates organized (i tried it too...but i would never get them to move to column B, so it was just one long depressing list of random names), i on the other hand resorted to a list of qualifications that would pre-filter girls i would ask out. The list was as follows:
1. Must have text msg capabilities
2. Had to live in the same dorm complex as me (Heleman Halls)
3.Very attractive
4. Blond
5. Shallow...very shallow.

Now you may judge me or think me ridiculous; but i will defend my #5 first and then go backwards until i finally get to my point of this post (but don't hold me to that...not all my posts have points--some are quite flat. (GET IT??!) [sigh] *wipe tear...and we're moving on).

I was about to leave for 2 years on a mission to wherever. I didn't want some distraction and figured if she was shallow, then even if we fell in love, she wouldn't wait. Anyways, to make a short story long, i found a girl who was fit the mold (maybe not as "shallow" as i was looking for, per se, but she did the trick well enough) and 10 days into my mission i got my last letter from her. Mission accomplished (there is another one of those double entendras...antandras....entandras...antondros....nope. nothing. anyways...one of those)

As for the blond thing...ya, that maybe was a bit over the top.

Attractive...come on. We've gone over this already in the blog.

Same dorm complex...i had a 1990 ford manual that could die at any moment and to drive even a block was a feat. Walking made dating simple...and romantic.

Texting...this was a must. no questions about it. To have multiple ways to communicate with an individual is paramount to relationship development on many levels.

Which brings me to my reason for this post.

Recently (tonight) i came across an 'old friend,' shall we say, who doesn't have facebook, twitter, or anything (those i would associate with the 2004 version of texting...my how time flies. Remember vhs? ET is not ET on dvd or flat screen tV...at least not to me, you see.). Now while i have LONG since abandoned my list of 5 requirements (now i'm only looking for 1: must put up with me. Maybe THAT's why i'm single...i've set my expectations too high), i wonder--is this a problem to go out iwth a girl that only has 2 forms of communication: phone and face (not face as in facebook...like the real face)?

I think not.

Think about it, often, women will come across the perfect guy--except his wardrobe is atrocious. No worries. nothing his next paycheck can't fix. Or she meets prince charming with absolutely no sense of hair style. that's okay. Nothing her friend at paul mitchell can't handle.

Same goes here. No matter if she doesn't have facebook (which i REALLY cannot understand), that is a fixable problem. It is simple really, all you have to do is make her one, remember her pw, and write nasty messages to any guy that writes on her wall. Problem solved.

So worry not about technological qualifications; for the things that matter most shouldn't have to be fixed and the things that don't aren't important enough not to.

(like my hard drive that Josh Guest fried when he cannon balled into the kiddie pool SOAKING my entire computer (that is why it is in a towel in the background...))

Rarely to i "OL" when i "L"

...but this was funny.

In response to my last post of Miss Anonymous (let's face it people, 1...no guy would ever write that previous anonymous comment AND 2...no WAY she is married), another ananymous said:

Anonymous said...

YOU FOOL! YOU WILL NEVER GET MARRIED!!! NEEEEVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!BWAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

I really did l-OL.

thank you.

Today, the World is Our Four-Leaf Oyster

The day started with a traditional irish breakfast of pancakes, peanut butter, syrup along with eggs, ketchup, tabasco sauce topped off with a glass of chocolate milk and a glass of water (both in green cups...GREEN...hence, "traditional") and topped it all off with a peppermint chocolate (...one of the benefits of being single (so so single) is that you can eat whatever you want and not have someone all up in your skillet (since it is breakfast, i changed "grill" to "skillet") about it). Oh, and my roommate's alarm (that usually goes off for an hour), was only going off for 30 min!

Now just a non-parenthetic aside, if you don't mind--pancakes are like having kids or like proposing to a girl...the first one is always just the practice.

k, so anyways, the sun is already shining i got 8 hours of sleep last night, i have some great business to do today and then an irish dinner with friends tonight (i'm bringing lucky charms since i don't cook. Well i guess i COULD bring the first pancake i made this morning...) and just all around happy.

So at this top of the marrrning, i wish you all a verrry lucky day indeed! Aye?!

If you have a lassie, kiss her.
If you have a flipper, johnny's down the well again.

For today, the world is our oyster.

Anonymous Strikes with another Angry Comment!!

Anonymous wrote in response to "Standing Up Against Getting Stood Up": "i think the reason you don't have a wife is posts like this. i think you should stop your self-infatuation and step yourself down from that pedestal"

Well, Anonymous, first of all, thank you for your diligent reading of my blog. Your consistent reading of my blog either means that a) you secretly love me too (with my self-infatuation and all...ps, do you take sarcasm well?) or b) you don't have much else interesting going on, so you are stuck with my blog. Either way, your patronage is perceptively appreciated (1 point for cool semi-alliteration).

Now, as to my wife: you obviously are not her (if you are, we have a long LONG marriage ahead of us), so perchance we should wait to see her thoughts when she comes. maybe, just MAYBE she will like the fact that i am honest with myself and others. that i don't feel the need to sugar coat that which isn't (nor shouldn't be) sweet. Getting stood up has little to do with my self-infatuation and rather says more about the nature of girls that i'm attracted to. Maybe it is just that i attract shallow girls because i'm shallow(...hm. we all just witnessed a revelation. did everyone else know that i'm shallow and just not tell me until now?) So while my wife may be awaiting me to become less shallow to make her appearance in my life, until then i feel silence in the presence of absence the best course to follow.

Now, as to stepping down from my pedestal. I say: no. I would much rather be held to the light of public scrutiny from simpletons and be authentic than hide behind the cloak of anonymity and cast the cynics ban at the seemingly outspoken. I have never understood why all negative comments on my blog are always from "Anonymous"(...are you the same person?). In the modern masquerade of technological concealment, it is a shame that more pedestals are left vacant, presuming the unassuming and amusing would hide in the confusions of delusions far from the publics' conclusions. (i know i know...it sounds like i try to hard...but i really don't. promise.)

Okay, but really, your perception of my deception in my self-infatuation (okay...now i'm really done ;-) ) really only shows that you don't know me very well. And if my expression of frustration for getting stood up offends you...i am deeply, truly and completely unapologetic. People (even self-obsessed people) deserve to be treated better than that. (period)

Please accept this post as an acknowledgment of your concern and unless more detailed criticism is provided, it will have to prove as your substantiation (or vindication...however you see it).

My Favorite Part About Dating (so far): Ex's!

Through the journey of dating, a lot of people say that you pick up a lot of baggage. I look back at my dating experience and couldn't possibly describe the amazing girls i've dated as being "baggage" (with some VERY heavy exceptions (...and no, that's not a fat joke, it is a luggage joke)). Yes, there were tough spots and hurt feelings and an occasional bitter conversation/blog post--but when it comes down to it, some of my dearest most influential friends...are ex's!

I started Courage to Hope with one ex. She is now the VP.
I asked another to be on the board of directors. She still is.
I just visited another 2 nights ago. She gave me the best advice i've heard in a long time.
One is now engaged to a best friend of mine.
One stood me up last week...oh wait, k...that is the baggage thing.
One...(hmm, i'm still a little bitter about getting stood up and can't think of any more...but i assure you, the list goes on)

ANYWAY, so i am happy to date. I am thrilled to see how my next future ex will bless my life and how i can in turn bless theirs.

For isn't that what dating is about about (until it's not...)?

Standing Up Against Getting Stood Up

One of the main questions i get when people talk to me about my blog (okay, i admit it, no one talks to me about my blog unless i bring it up--which i do frequently. Thank you for humoring me, ps.) is "Aren't you afraid that the girls you date are going to read you blog and get offended?"

No.

Not at all.

It's simple, really. The smart ones are smart enough to not go out with me and the dumb ones are too dumb to realize i'm writing about them. And it is in that spirit of knowing my audience i proceed...

Seeing as my blog is my inner monologue (or an online environment to release my self-infatuation...however you see it), i'm going to vent a touch right now.

When it rain it pours, they say.

This last week was a bit heavy on the dating scale. Got 2 (two) last minute cancelations and one (1) girl totally stood me up. Like stood up as in no text, no fbook wall post, no direct message on twitter, no google calendar event deletion, no note placed on my seat during recess, no pigeon carrier...not even a phone call [insert audible gasp].

That would all be tragic and all...but i realized something. When it rains it doesn't pour; it shines--just not on this side of the clouds.

I know what i'm looking for: a considerate (hot), kind (attractive), spiritual (sexy), intelligent (good back rubs), well rounded (NOT physically), wholesome (...partially ;-) ) girl that i can take home to mom (that my mother will not kill). And ya know what...a girl that stands me up is not that. (the most frustrating thing, though, is that i hate wearing a nice outfit all day thinking i'm going on a date to find out i stained my expensive shirt on my lunch for nothing.)

Now...with that downpour of self pity i add my bit of sunshine: by process of deduction, i now am 1,342 girls closer to knowing who my wife isn't..and those last two didn't even cost me a dime!

But when it comes down to it, if you stand some one up...you're a dirt bag (and deserve to get your eyebrows waxed). People deserve to be treated better. In the words of Josh Guest, "To all you that stand people up: sit down!"

Oh yeah, and if you think this post is about you...ha, don't be dumb. (--stop. find the double meaning in this final comment...now that you think i'm clever...you can exit the blog. But come again soon. I promise i'll be less salty next time...that is, of course, if you promise to set me up with someone who doesn't leave a bitter taste in my mouth.)

Eyebrow Waxing and Piranhas

So...the other day (any blog post that starts with "so... the other day" can always be awkward) i got a new found respect for women. I didn't get PMS, have a baby or try on high heels (again...don't ask, it's not as bad as it sounds)--but it was something worse than all of that happening at the same time (hmmm, that is a visual i could have done without): I got my eyebrows waxed. Yes, i know, first tanning and now this. What is next? (i'm not sure what it will be, but i certainly know what it will NOT be...um, brazilian. Wow. No thank you. There is NO way that having a baby can be more painful than that!)

Regardless...I got my eyebrows "done" as they say and it was horrific. So terrible that my scream (no, it was not a "shrill shriek" as the estetition (NO idea how to spell that) described it). freaked the estetslkdfjion out so much that she jumped and almost pushed the hot waxy cheese cloth into my eye! (not like it would have been any more painful)

Needless to say, after finishing both eyebrows (with the help of a hand holding and a stick in between my teeth) and a little bleeding, I have decided that waxing is NOT my thing. My hairiness is just going to have to be one of those quirks that "she" deals with.

I did get a pair of tweezers (ya know, i would love to chat with the person that decided all of these things that AREN'T "pairs" should be deemed as such. i.e. scissors, pants, glasses...) and am trying those on for size. But those are awful too.

As waxing is to tweezing -so is- getting mauled to death a polar bear is to getting eaten alive by piranhas.