From the Limelight to the Window Light

So the other day I had a friend tell me something that actually made me think about dating. And while you may think that is very normal, for as much as I talk about dating, very few people (myself included) say anything profound on the subject. (I mean how can you live in UT for 5 years and hear something NEW about dating?) 

But this comment made me stop and do something I haven't done in a while...actually contemplate my own dating life. Sure, I think about dates and the girls and the activities and the conversation and post-date-analysis and day after texting etc etc, but honestly, I rarely think about my acts on a date. (BACKGROUND: This friend of mine was someone that I went after, it didn't work out. So I started to go after her younger sister, it didn't work out either. SHOCKER! (I know, I know...shameless.) So she knows me pretty well from a few angles at this point.) I don't remember what she said, but this was my conclusion:

I treat the dating like the community theater. I'm either not interested in going to the show or fighting for center stage. And once I get there, it is a calculated play to get an applause.

For those who know me well, or hardly at all, this may seem like no surprise at all. But often time wisdom isn't what is said, but when it is said by whom. 

And this hit home.

In all of my frantic running around looking for someone to date, I've failed to correct the only common denominator: me. No Iagos to blame, no Richmonds to avenge the wrongs, no Edmuds to look for to blame with birthing sinister plots....just me. And I don't mean that in a 'pity the accidental villain' sort of way, but in the sincere 'I need a character evaluation' sort of way.

Maybe....just MAYBE, the reason I don't have someone to date isn't because of my blog (which I know must contribute at least a little) or because I ask out too many people or because I ask out the wrong people--but because I treat them all as a task to complete, a g-cal invite to accept, an ovation to achieve. 

So this isn't meant to be some claim that I'm changing today and rewriting this scene of my life, but as a healthy confession--an internal dialogue from the narrator of my life--allowing me to realize that if the show will go on, it will be because I am wiling to step out of the lime light, go off script and hold the curtains open myself. 

For it is there, in the dark back stages of honesty, true character can shine from that yonder window.