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| Not all dating problems have to be complicated. |
This guest post is from my friend Miss Jeans (for obvious reasons if you have ever met her) and is an exceptional post about what to do when making the jump from friends to something else, be it more or less. Her post:
One thing I am coming to realize is that there is no such thing as being “just friends” when it comes to guy-girl stuff. At one point or another in your friendship, at least one of you has entertained the idea about liking the other person. If you haven’t thought that before, it was probably them thinking it about you, or in my case, you just hadn’t realized it yet.
You’ve been buddies for a couple of years and you share with each other about who you’re interested in and how they can maybe help. You hang out frequently, and when you’re alone, it is just as fun as if there were several people around. You think they are good looking and they’ve commented on you looking pretty dang good too! Sooo... what is the problem?!?! Why aren’t you dating?!?!
STOP! I know exactly what you are thinking... “I just don’t want to risk anything. It would just end up being awkward or weird if it didn’t work out.” LIES!!!!
Here’s why! THERE IS NO RISK!! Let’s face it: If you are both at a point in your life where you are looking to seriously date someone, then you aren’t looking for a best friend. So whether or not you date, you won’t be friends for much longer anyways! If you start dating someone, then you won’t pay attention to them and when you get married, you likely won’t stay in touch with them because that would be EXTREMELY inappropriate, especially if you had the hots for them or vice versa. So why not jump to see if they could be your ETERNAL best friend. And if they turn out not to be, you didn’t lose a friend because your friendship is nearing its expiration date anyways.
Some of you think that is false and you probably feel the need to comment and share all these stories about how it made things weird and you wish it would have just stayed as it was. To you I say, you need to put your life in order and look towards the future. They will not remain in your life forever unless you marry them! And if you were so strung up on the past and it being weird, you should probably get over it...
If you are surrounded by kind, fun, genuine, caring, loving, strong, faithful individuals and you are somewhat attracted to them, you should be asking yourself why in the world haven’t you gone out with them. You may be too focused on finding the person who hasn’t come into your life, when all along they were just right beside you and you refused to check your peripheral vision, or maybe even rear view mirror.
Stop hiding behind the risk theory...it doesn’t exist. Once you are looking to be married in the very near future you should be concerned with whom to marry and not whom to be buddy buddy with. Because ultimately being somebody’s buddy will just hinder the opportunities that were supposed to be on their way.
To Be Continued...
You’ve been buddies for a couple of years and you share with each other about who you’re interested in and how they can maybe help. You hang out frequently, and when you’re alone, it is just as fun as if there were several people around. You think they are good looking and they’ve commented on you looking pretty dang good too! Sooo... what is the problem?!?! Why aren’t you dating?!?!
STOP! I know exactly what you are thinking... “I just don’t want to risk anything. It would just end up being awkward or weird if it didn’t work out.” LIES!!!!
Here’s why! THERE IS NO RISK!! Let’s face it: If you are both at a point in your life where you are looking to seriously date someone, then you aren’t looking for a best friend. So whether or not you date, you won’t be friends for much longer anyways! If you start dating someone, then you won’t pay attention to them and when you get married, you likely won’t stay in touch with them because that would be EXTREMELY inappropriate, especially if you had the hots for them or vice versa. So why not jump to see if they could be your ETERNAL best friend. And if they turn out not to be, you didn’t lose a friend because your friendship is nearing its expiration date anyways.
Some of you think that is false and you probably feel the need to comment and share all these stories about how it made things weird and you wish it would have just stayed as it was. To you I say, you need to put your life in order and look towards the future. They will not remain in your life forever unless you marry them! And if you were so strung up on the past and it being weird, you should probably get over it...
If you are surrounded by kind, fun, genuine, caring, loving, strong, faithful individuals and you are somewhat attracted to them, you should be asking yourself why in the world haven’t you gone out with them. You may be too focused on finding the person who hasn’t come into your life, when all along they were just right beside you and you refused to check your peripheral vision, or maybe even rear view mirror.
Stop hiding behind the risk theory...it doesn’t exist. Once you are looking to be married in the very near future you should be concerned with whom to marry and not whom to be buddy buddy with. Because ultimately being somebody’s buddy will just hinder the opportunities that were supposed to be on their way.
To Be Continued...
Editor's Note (that's just me): If you would like to be considered for a guest post on EasterCloset.com then comment below....and have something useful to say.
1) Generalizing, in general, does not work (ha...ha...)
ReplyDelete2) Yes, friends --> relationship = awesome, but it is just as common that friendships are not comparably awesome relationships.
3) Friendship with those of the opposite gender, genuine friendship, *is* possible and has been done by many. A marriage is not the be-all-end-all to male/female relations outside of marriage, and I believe that friendship as much as relationship is eternal.
4) Yes, one or the other (or honestly, both) has thought about a relationship. This is something we consciously or subconsciously decide. With practically everyone. Minus the practically.
5. If it is a real friendship, after the relationship test, you'll know for certain.
It's late, that's all I have time for.
Still love your blog babe.
A good post, but one thing that I do not agree with. Is this "Miss Jeans" married? I want to know why she thinks keeping in touch with friends of the opposite sex is "EXTREMELY inappropriate" after marriage? Is she saying that once someone gets married they can only ever be friends with their respective gender from then until eternity?
ReplyDeleteI, being happily married with the cutest son on the planet (don't disagree...it's true...the.cutest.), have no problem with my husband having friends that are female, and keeping in touch with them. He also has no problem with me having friends that are male.
Granted, as stated in the comment above, generalizations, in general, ;) don't work. Once you are married your _bestest_ friend IS your spouse and that role is taken forever.
There is nothing wrong with keeping in touch though...a happy birthday on their birthday, a hey, how's it going on any other day. I wouldn't do anything one-on-one with them, unless assistance is needed changing a flat tire or something.
This is a great post. I totally agree. Now, there's a sense of awkwardness to probably most DTRs. And undoubtedly it can be awkward for a time after having one go not as you originally planned. But it doesn't mean that it has to be that way permanently. In fact, in two out of three cases, I've become better friends with the girls I've been rejected in a DTR, than I was before. Some guys really need to man up and take some responsibility for their future instead of sailing in never-ending sea of "hanging out".
ReplyDeleteHa! Yeah pretty much my life story, and to think after I got married I found out people thought I was man-eater.
ReplyDeleteI was in one of three situations if my BFF was a boy. 1- I eventually liked him, he got a girlfriend, and we stopped being BFF, whether or not they worked out in the long run was irrelevant. And we stopped being friends cuz I was a "threat" not because I was jealous.
2- I freaked out when I realized he liked me. Usually it was when they made a move after multiple "dates", which I call "dates" because to me we were just chillin' and they were being raised right and paid for me, who knew?
3- Gotta love the long term, friends with bennies, making out not necessary but cuddling is. You got the in with the parents, you still go on dates with other people, but life is better with each other.....oh wait this might be the same as 1 & 2 cuz unless one of you is unnattractive or gay, there is no three. Unless of course you have the real three and there is making out involved and then you just feel weird about making it real after so long of being "just friends" that you can't date based off of a lie. And I am postive someone still liked the other at some point or time, even if the three.
Cheers!
Hi Zack, I'm so glad I stumbled upon your blog and read this post :) I completely agree with it and I think this situation is so accurately portrayed - friends could either stay in the friend zone for however long, or they can potentially be turned into something so much more significant. It's important to keep friends, but we don't have to limit ourselves and be afraid to pursue them as potential partners. We should acknowledge the risk of losing a friend as a worthy sacrifice of obtaining something more special. If the pursuit doesn't work out in the end, then let's look at it as a learning experience and not make it awkward.
ReplyDeleteAwesome comments, and yeah, super great post! So might I say two things. 1. i don't think she was saying that you can't have friends who aren't of the opposite sex after marriage, but more that if you have been crushing on them for so long, it is awk to stay friends and transition that crushingness away.
ReplyDelete2. it is possible to have a healthy attraction and never make it something more and never wonder and get married and stay friends. But inevitably, at some point, you or the other will consider making it more.
I think the idea is good. I have tried it multiple times and I know that it definitely is true that if it doesn't work out, you can see how much of a real friend they were in the first place. The only thing I don't totally agree with is the crushing comment. There are girls that I had dated, crushed on, etc that eventually got married. I am still single so putting two and two together, I have found a way to make that transition work, against all odds apparently.
ReplyDeleteC.S. Lewis wrote a book called The Four Loves. There isn't one way to love, to have a relationship, a friendship, etc. I have always been a blunt person and majority of the time was the first one to say, "I love you." The reason why is because there is differences between a romantic married love and the type where you would drop everything to help someone. You can still accept someone for their whole person and have that strong connection AS A FRIEND. The transition... you can always be there for them and they can give you dating advice, but you need to continue to date. You need to keep looking because in all reality they will never look at you in the same way as they did before. But by all means, there is no reason to burn bridges or cut ties with a support system that probably understands you better than you do. Most people are great at giving advice but when you are in the moment you wish you could remember what you told your friend when he was in a similar situation. I say be there but be square. Respect your friend and the happiness they have found by supporting them in their marriage and who knows? They might support you by introducing you to the future love of your life.
Last comment, Zack this is an awesome thing you got going on here. You are a fantastic writer and I love the idea of a guest appearance. Miss Jeans, you also have the gift. Wonderful job all around... round of applause.
two thumbs up, like always. :o)
ReplyDeleteFantastic post. I completely agree with you. If you're looking for marriage, move in that direction. That friendship evolved from somewhere, there was a spark, an interest, whatever it may be and thus a solid friendship begin. Starting as close friends has its benefits. I've often found myself liking an individual, but as I get to know them better as friends before taking that step forward, I find that we wouldn't be a good match. Other times that friendship blooms into more. When things don't work out, give yourself and the other person sometime to move past it. But really what is the harm in having too many friends? I firmly believe that we can take and learn something from every person that comes into our lives, so if a relationship doesn't work out the way you planned, at least you've made a new friend and hopefully learned a thing or two.
ReplyDelete