“That's what they should teach us here. How girls' brains work...It would be more useful than divination, anyway...” -Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
What you’re about to read is priceless, you know. Man has been hunting for this insider information since he was thrust out of the Garden of Eden.
Key things to keep in mind: women are about emotion. Women are about feelings. Women are about meaning, value, and significance.
For example, I have a friend (who introduced me to this blog, coincidentally) who recently went on a date with the boy who had been actively pursuing her roommate while the roommate was out of town for the weekend. (Background story: there wasn’t any established relationship between the boy/roommate at this time. They hadn’t kissed yet or anything. Also, the boy was a long time friend of my friend). Boy held girl’s hand. Girl thought “This means something. Holding hands is significant. He values me as a person and he must feel something for me.”
Roommate came back from vacation, boy continued his pursuit, hardly acknowledging my friend as a person, let alone as someone he had used. (What a jerk. Let’s collect all those eggs from the closet and throw them in his general direction.)
Next. Women want to be pursued (just don’t do it if you’re simultaneously pursuing their roommate. Or anyone else, for that matter. Polygamy ended in 1890, folks.) It’s this awful seesaw we play in the beginning of relationships or pre-beginning of relationships, and the whole thing became even more complicated when *“creeper” became a label. Honestly, all you have to follow is the Golden Rule. If you want her to talk to you at ward prayer, go talk to her. If you would want her to ask you out, ask her out. If you would want her to text you, text her. If you want her to like you, like her. There really isn’t anything wrong with showing you’re interested in someone. (And girls, please, for the love, if you know he likes you and you aren’t interested, just be honest. Men need blunt women.)
*about that. Being interested isn’t creepy. Standing outside their window singing love songs at 2 in the morning when you’ve only been on one date is creepy. Standing outside their window singing love songs at 2 in the morning when you’ve been out a lot, have a clear indication of mutual affection, and it isn’t finals week is adorable.
The 6 Tips for Pursuing:
In an eggshell: Be honest. Be yourself. Don’t be a hand whore (pardon my French, that whole thing really ticks me off. Personal experience. No time to explain.) Women are only as confusing as you are. In the wise words of Dr. Seuss: “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
Tchüss.
What you’re about to read is priceless, you know. Man has been hunting for this insider information since he was thrust out of the Garden of Eden.
Key things to keep in mind: women are about emotion. Women are about feelings. Women are about meaning, value, and significance.
For example, I have a friend (who introduced me to this blog, coincidentally) who recently went on a date with the boy who had been actively pursuing her roommate while the roommate was out of town for the weekend. (Background story: there wasn’t any established relationship between the boy/roommate at this time. They hadn’t kissed yet or anything. Also, the boy was a long time friend of my friend). Boy held girl’s hand. Girl thought “This means something. Holding hands is significant. He values me as a person and he must feel something for me.”
Roommate came back from vacation, boy continued his pursuit, hardly acknowledging my friend as a person, let alone as someone he had used. (What a jerk. Let’s collect all those eggs from the closet and throw them in his general direction.)
Next. Women want to be pursued (just don’t do it if you’re simultaneously pursuing their roommate. Or anyone else, for that matter. Polygamy ended in 1890, folks.) It’s this awful seesaw we play in the beginning of relationships or pre-beginning of relationships, and the whole thing became even more complicated when *“creeper” became a label. Honestly, all you have to follow is the Golden Rule. If you want her to talk to you at ward prayer, go talk to her. If you would want her to ask you out, ask her out. If you would want her to text you, text her. If you want her to like you, like her. There really isn’t anything wrong with showing you’re interested in someone. (And girls, please, for the love, if you know he likes you and you aren’t interested, just be honest. Men need blunt women.)
*about that. Being interested isn’t creepy. Standing outside their window singing love songs at 2 in the morning when you’ve only been on one date is creepy. Standing outside their window singing love songs at 2 in the morning when you’ve been out a lot, have a clear indication of mutual affection, and it isn’t finals week is adorable.
The 6 Tips for Pursuing:
- Remember what I said about girls wanting to feel valued? They want to feel worth something, and have their talents and interests appreciated. If she can sing like an angel, compliment her voice. Don’t be intimidated by the girl majoring in Biochem, she will love you for being proud of her success. Go to her intramural games. Rave about her cookies. Say thank you for her Sunday School lesson. Isn’t that what you would want?
- Never EVER use these words: hot, sexy, chick, etc. (Words that will melt her heart: beautiful, lovely, Love as a proper noun, even a simple “you look nice today.”)
- Playing games is a no. On all sides. Zack gave us a wonderful lesson on this two posts ago. We’re not in middle school.
- Follow the general rules of gentlemanry. Chivalry=attractive
- Being on time for dates: major plus. It shows you care.
- Listen to her when she talks. Remember what she says, her opinions, her favorites, her experiences.
In an eggshell: Be honest. Be yourself. Don’t be a hand whore (pardon my French, that whole thing really ticks me off. Personal experience. No time to explain.) Women are only as confusing as you are. In the wise words of Dr. Seuss: “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
Tchüss.
Nice post. I think the advice would be pretty similar if the gender pronouns were switched.
ReplyDeleteBut seriously, back off the hand-holding. Dating's only as complicated as it is because we attach all this "meaning" to simple things. It's a shame to tarnish what was probably a nice date because of disappointment that it didn't mean the same thing to both people.
True, he should have acknowledged your friend as a person afterward, but he should have done that whether or not he held her hand.
Spoken like a guy.
ReplyDelete"Women are not that different from you."
ReplyDeleteUm...lie. In fact the items you listed in #6: "Listen to her when she talks. Remember what she says, her opinions, her favorites, her experiences." These sound like the prerogatives of female roommates and girlfriends, not a guy who is still trying to decide if he likes you or not. I only remember things like that because I take meticulous notes about people I interact with. Unfortunately, most people get freaked out when they say something and you whip out a notebook--especially on a first date.
Also, Chivalry=I believe everything Aristotle, Galen, and Tertullian said. Women are inferior, fragile beings who contribute nothing to the souls of the babies they bear. "[Women are] the author of man's fall, not man of woman's. . . . [women] are the Devil's entry way.”
IMHO: Chivalry is dead. Thank goodness.
Also, also, I love you ;)
The Blog for indie author J.A. Coleman
#1 most important - it cannot be stressed enough - be yourself. People can tell when you're not being the real you, it's an instinct. This instinct exponentially strengthens with the number of interactions you've had with the person: are you in the same class? Ward? Study in the library at the same time? If yes, you've seen each other in your natural habitats, and you can feel what's real and what's not. Besides, you want your date to like YOU, don't you? There's nothing more magnetic and attractive than a real guy.
ReplyDeleteI don't think chivalry is dead. I just think it isn't appreciated any more. I look at this list you made and the only one I think applies is number 5. I know too many girls who I have gotten to know first and then start to date who love the d-bag approach to dating. I personally don't do that. It just isn't me. If a guy is a gentleman, romantic, listens... he becomes predictable to the girl and no matter how much pursuing he may have done, does not compare to the guy who plays the game and acts like he doesn't care. Why does that work? I have no idea but I am guessing it is because the girl feels like she has to change him, convince him to like her. In the end, I think it all boils down to lack of self-confidence.
ReplyDeleteGirls are told what to be like, shown in the media what it means to be beautiful, and while she is still looking around for the next Prince Charming, the people that emotionally support her and care about her, get left in the dust. Don't get me wrong... I like the guest post, it was well-written, but this sounds more like the "picket fence" than the reality. Especially the part with pursuing combined with not playing games. Girls like to be chased... I get it. But guys like to eventually catch the girl. Be willing to tell us to stop point blank before we start if you aren't interested.
Chivalry died when women lost control. I said, you lost control. How? You beat us all down emotionally and so we got to the point where we didn't care any more. You all didn't like that so you tried to MAKE men care... and you can't do that by being physical. You just feed the problem. And yes this a generalization but when enough guys figured it out... well, you have what we now call dating.
I am not always a cynic but I am a realist and also an optimist. I look for the exception, play and hope for the best. So my advice for girls, if you want him to talk to you make yourself approachable. Put yourself in situations where it is easy for him to talk to you. Smile, laugh, help him in conversation if you can, but in all things be sincere. And lastly, touch him... take his arm, touch his leg when you are sitting and talking, etc. I don't know one guy who doesn't like to be touched or misses this kind of hint.
Good job! It is never easy to be a guest writer but overall, good job.
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ReplyDeleteMy problem is you said "Women are not that different from you. Really". But at the beginning of the post you said, "women are about emotion. Women are about feelings. Women are about meaning, value, and significance".
ReplyDeleteNow, being an incredibly sensitive and embarrasingly emotional guy, I can tell you that most guys are not like me or the women who are about "meaning, value, and significance". Especially early on in a relationship. So, I did enjoy most of your post and it was very thoughtful, but I think you strayed a little too far from the thesis with your closing statement.
Also I had no idea you'd get so much more debate *see previous comments.
Although this was interesting, I think it best be said that "to each their own." Some girls love the game or the chase or whatever. They like to feel like they've "won" something. That's not me so much but there are plenty of girls out there who like to be kept on their toes.
ReplyDeleteAnd to avoid being known as the hand whore, something that is probably only looked down upon in our small little world of Provo, there needs to be good communication. Why does the young and single of Provo shy away from DTR? Grow up,be bold, say what you mean and mean what you say.
Slightly older post, yes, but bravo to Glenn. Hit the nail on the head in many regards, IMO.
ReplyDelete