My friend asked me for some advice, and so I told him to turn it to you guys. What do you think?
Where is the line between “I like you” and “I-like-everything-about-you-even-how-you-brush-your-teeth-and-can-I-watch-you-floss-this-time”…?
I started dating this girl and imagine my surprise when it actually worked out! She actually liked me back and what-not and our relationship had a legitimate future. I’ve always seen myself as a great at going on dates, but I quickly realized I have no idea how to “date someone.”
I didn’t ever realize how unrelated the two are. In one you just have to keep her entertained long enough to decide whether or not you want to ask her out again. The other involves making sure she stays interested on a semi-permanent level.
This begs my question: How much attention is just right? (Where’s Goldi-Locks when you need her!) [Editor’s Note: Okay, so I didn’t get this when I first read it, but trust me, it is funny, read it again.]
I am someone who falls hard, probably to a fault and I know it. I generally get ahead of myself and make things weird for the girl I am dating, or trying to rather. But clearly this time I played my cards right. She likes me. Now my problem is I have no idea what to do next.
Everyone knows that one too many winky face emoticons can be the fatal blow to any budding romance. So not that you, the general public, are my final hope in terms of love advice, but I am looking for answers from every outlet.
In your experiences what has been the right amount of attention? Obviously every situation is different so here’s the prompt for help:
- Guys: how could you tell/decide how much attention to give her?
- Girls: what kinds of signals do you send to tell us how much attention to give?
Save me from a fate similar to our cartoon friend’s…
This is an interesting blog. Almost as interesting as you. You talk the talk but can you walk the walk. Hypothetically speaking yet ingeniously blaming. I have heard through little birds about your "great" dates you plan and not all responses were, how you say, parellel to your advice. Dating can be explained through words and stories, but how does one really know that they are making a good impression on the ones enduring the night?
ReplyDeleteMy easter closet advice to you is don't just date to date. ACTUALLY TRY AND GET TO KNOW YOUR DATE!!!!! The thing that is completely missing from your way of life is not doing things just for show. You say you can take a girl to a nice dinner and a great show after. But what about actually talking to her and being interested in her. She's not just there for show. She is in the same boat as you. Scared that this is just ANOTHER DATE. You look at dating as a job, said by yourself. But when we go to work, we do it because we have to. No one is telling you to steal precious time from a young woman for a night. You are doing it willingly, as is she. She actually wants to feel like the guy gives a crap about her!!
So through my hurricane of babbling I hope I can leave you with a bit of advice for your future "shifts" aka dates. Don't treat them like their your new expensive watch just their to match the outfit. By doing so you will see a complete turnaround in your relationships with the opposite sex... success!
Best advice I was ever given before marriage... as trite as it sounds... Just be who you are. Do what you want to do. If you want to call her, call her. If you want to take her out, take her out. If she feels like you're too clingy, that's her decision. Granted, you shouldn't OBSESS over her and spending time with her... be reasonable, but be yourself. Like the above comment said... it's not about putting on a show or following a formula. The reason relationships end up working is because the people are comfortable being themselves, and comfortable with the other person as his or her own self.
ReplyDeleteThe more you try to make it work according to the way you're "supposed" to do it, or what the general public thinks is appropriate, the less likely you are to do the right thing... which is.. just relax, have fun, make her feel important and special, and let things progress.
In other words, to date, just be. Don't "try" in the sense that you have been. Don't be a first date guy, be a "no matter the circumstance" guy.
Just my two cents.
Yikes Zack! I think you should go through your list of exes and find one with a really bitter friend and you've found your anonymous.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, time for some actual advice... I've dated a lot of guys... and he's what I realized, if I'm really into the guy, then the attention is rarely too much. But if I'm just starting to get to know him then too much can kill it. I had a guy pursuing me once that would text me ALLL day long, stupid stuff like "I'm going into a meeting with my boss". It drove me crazy. But when I was dating my now husband I loved when he would text me stuff to make me laugh or something funny he saw that day or whatever.
I think if the attention is engaging and has a purpose (this funny thing reminded me of you, funny stories etc.) it won't be too much.
I know I'm a girl and not a guy, but I made a rule for myself when I was just venturing into a relationship with a guy and it was that I had to wait till I thought about texting them something 3 times before I would. so basically I only sent 1 text for every 3 times I thought about it. It kept the communication fun, surprising and not too much.
Good luck! And remember, if she really likes you it's rare you can give her too much attention.
Here is a follow up question for this post... I am also follow Zack's blog and am a fellow dating guru of sorts. I finally got to this same position recently where the girl I really like, likes me in return. Boy is that refreshing for a change!
ReplyDeleteAnyways, I went home for the Christmas break and I want to call her but at the same point in time, I want to see if in these next two weeks she thinks and misses me as much as I miss her... get a better read on how what she is feeling or if it is like, "Geez! I finally get a break from that boy!" So do I just give it the silent treatment and relax until she is in the mood or do I call and see how she is doing?
These "Anonymous" people make me nervous.
ReplyDeleteThe best guys I've dated had a sense of their life and who they were. They didn't obsess and constantly text, but sent a few during the day or when they got off work asked how my day was. When you can have feelings for her and balance out your life then you'll be fine. Find a purpose in what you say to her and get to know what she likes and who she is for who she is, not for who you want her to be. Also, be yourself. This girl wants to get to know you, not a fake you. No one wants to go through a relationship only to get to a changing point and find out they've been dating a lie.
ReplyDeleteAs a girl one of the things that frustrates me the most with guys is when they're inconsistent. If a guy is being true to himself (as mentioned above) I can learn whether I'm into him or not and figure out how I'm feeling if the biggest variable is my feelings. This task becomes much harder, as well as doing my part to help the relationship progress, if the guy is consistent with how much attention he gives me. My roommates and I have discussed this, and have said many times "I just wish he would figure out what he wants, then I could do the same."
ReplyDeleteIf an extra emoticon is killing your relationships, you might be a redneck.
ReplyDeleteReally, just be an awesome person and the girls will come to you.
um, i think the previous anonymous was close to hitting it on the head: if an extra emoticon is killing the relationship, it's not a relationship worth pursuing. not that rednecks aren't worth pursuing sometimes...:)
ReplyDeletealso, am i unlettered? how does the adjective "copious" work to describe "balance?"
but good post, good questions. sometimes i'd like to know how much response is appropriate/necessary/desired for certain types of attention.
I thought michelle had good practical advice, although a little bare bones I'd say if you're really interested just make sure you spend time with her at least 2x a week.
ReplyDeleteWith texting a day without correspondence is totally ok just because you're both adults and hopefully realize that there are other things occupying your lives other than thinking about when to call or what to text, and this has the added effect of showing a lack of clinginess.
But the caviat would be if you legitimately have something funny or interesting/pertinent to say that came up naturally go ahead and send it. (Michelle's 3x rule is a good idea at first especially if you get over excited...which you do)
Eventually you will naturally reach the point where these rules are no longer important. While reaching that point it's important to follow them to keep from vomiting your interest all over them. 2-3 times a week is a safe bet especially if the girl is strong and independent.
Ok, I know this post was a while ago. I'm new to following Zack's blog (hey Zack!) What I'm confused about is...why is everyone giving dating advice regarding how often you/what to TEXT about? Aren't you trying to have a relationship with a person? Sure, texting a quick joke or something fun every once in a while is cute. If you want to show her you're really interested, call her. If you want to take her out, call and plan the date. Go a day without texting her and then call that night just to chat. It will be so refreshing and slightly mysterious. Then, rather than getting used to you being a texter and having that "I bet that's him texting me again" feeling, she'll look forward to when you're going to surprise her next. Seriously. When a guy I was on the fence about started doing that to me, I suddenly found myself thinking about him all the time.
ReplyDelete"So tonight, when you're wondering what to say, how you look, whether or not she likes you, just remember, she is already out with you. That means she said yes- When she could have said no. That means she made a plan when she could have just blown you off. So that means it is no longer your job to try to make her like you. It is your job not to mess it up." Thanks Hitch