You CAN Run From Love...but You Shouldn't GUEST POST by Conner Tracy

This picture will come up later...promise.

So I think I have been hanging out with Zack too long. I seem to have developed a knack for equally ridiculous/disappointing relationships. (Editor's note: I would just like to say that not EVERYthing in my dating life is "ridiculous/disappointing"...I have references if you don't believe me.)

I was recently in the throes of “love” with a great girl. I managed to become friends with her and she was awesome. Conman’s crush is conceived (+3). So I took her out on a quasi-date. It was simple and fun and I could tell real feelings were developing for me. But there’s a catch, she has serious career aspirations that are taking her back home in December, and likely out of the country by the end of March or so.

CRAP!!!

She says there’s a CHANCE she could stay, but it would literally take an act of God to change her plans.

Flash forward again, it has been a few weeks and after a few dates, we come to the conclusion: We like each other. The problem? She still plans to leave in like…four weeks. 

We talk about it and here’s my pitch: Look babe, don’t think too far ahead. I just want to date you RIGHT NOW and see what happens. When four weeks come and go we can talk about the future. I mean, really--all this (motions to self) could be yours for the low price of just 4 easy payme…wait, sorry.  Right, so really I told her just to think about it and we would talk in a few days. It felt a lot like trying to sell something.

Well if there’s one thing I’ve learned about sales it’s this: NEVER EVER let them think about it!! Get a commitment before they leave the table!!! (jk…sort of)

Her major concern was that, “If we date now, it would be great, but I am leaving. So it will only end up hurting more later when it’s over.”

It didn’t take long to realize there would be no convincing her. Her mind was set in stone, one probably shaped like the tombstone for our relationship. We agreed to just be friends, and I have nothing but positive things to say about her…almost.

So what’s the point? She was unwilling to gamble on the future. It is true it could end up hurting a lot later, but it could also have been fantastic. It could have ended a week later, or it might have gone the distance. What the future held for us, no one knows. I have made a goal to live life without regrets or “what ifs?” and so I tried my best.

The reality is we liked each other. We were good to together. We had good intentions. We had a lot going for us. And referencing back to a prior post, best friends don’t last forever. Relationships only go one way or the other, and with so much in our favor this was our shot.

She will be back in about two years, and I could wait, but for what? A CHANCE at what we MIGHT be? 

Don’t bet on it.  

After a healthy conversation with my good friend Jack Poates this is the conclusion I’ve come to: Love doesn’t play hide and seek. In love, hearts will be broken, yours’ and the people you date. That’s just the way it is. The whole key is to find someone who does just the opposite. That’s the key though YOU have to FIND them, and THEY have to FIND you.  So gamble a little, go out on a limb, take a leap of faith and see if they’re the one to catch you.

You can run and hide from love…but you shouldn’t!

Besides how many people do you know who have fallen in love, and how many have been killed by an alligator? Take the safe bet (I know full well this last bit makes no sense but I had to tie SOMETHING to the picture).

Top 10 Things I'm Grateful for This Thanksgiving

This Year, on this day of thanks, I'm grateful for so much. Here are 10 things I'm especially grateful

1. I'm grateful for Facebook picture sharing to get me so much more sympathy that I deserved for getting hit in the face with the picture above. 
2. I'm grateful for blenders that make fruit and spinach not seem so crappy when you mix them in a delicious smoothie. 
3. I'm grateful for robes to make me feel more naked when i go to the hot tub. 
4. I'm grateful for hot tubs to give me a reason to wear my robe 4x/week.
5. I'm grateful for frozen yogurt to make bad first dates more bearable and appropriately short. 
6. I'm grateful for the new Facebook sidebar so that I can find out that every 5 seconds a different friend is listening to a different song on Spotify. (What would my life be like without knowing which of my friends have song ADD?)
7. I'm grateful for delicious foods that don't have carbs (yummmmmm turkey on homemade rolls 5 hours after Thanksgiving dinner (...let me keep this dream, don't say ANYthing proving me wrong)).
8. I'm grateful for the GOP candidates for making Romney look so good by not looking like an idiot.
9. I'm grateful for girls that are nice for reminding me why I date. 
10. But most of all, I'm grateful for friends who love me no matter how many dumb things I say on my blog. 

For, as I always say, God gave us friends, that we might choose family.

So this Thanksgiving season, count your many blessings. 

We are all truly blessed!

The BEST Date I've Ever Had

It was a normal summer day. I was dating a girl. Not the "Zack Oates THINKS we dated" Facebook group sort of way, but like for reals. 

We sent a few benign texts back and forth about a couple of funny occurrences that day and then decided to meet at a pizza shop for dinner at 8pm. 

My departure time of 7:45 seemed to stretch on endlessly into the ticks of the library clock. Finally, our date had begun.

I got there early to make sure we have a table and so that she didn't have to wait in the lobby alone. 

We sat down and got a pie (pepperoni, not pumpkin...I'm from Jersey) to share with a couple of root beers. We talked, laughed, held hands over the table, played footsies under the table, learned about our waiter's new son (and yes, it did work and he got extra tip...exploiter) and smiled at each other in silence. 

Then we went back to her apartment and I helped her with homework (or rather sat there while she did it) until about 11:30 when she walked me to my car and was in bed by midnight. 

That was it. 

The best date I ever had. 

Pizza. Homework. Done. 

I've spent hundreds of dollars on a single date, had an evening listening to Boys 2 Men on the beaches of Italy, planned for weeks...but really, in the end, it's the company that makes a party. No trying, no games no calculation...just the right company.

One thing that I DO know about love is this: no matter how terrible things are going in life, if you have someone whom you love that loves you, deep down you know that everything will be okay. 

The best date ever isn't about the DATE at all, it is about YOUR date.

Simplicity...I think.

(Click play and then read this post. The video is kinda dumb, but the song is so raw and is my new favorite song!)

So I've been thinking a lot about my dating life and I realized something--I think about it too much. 

In fact, I think that i think about it to a detriment.

I think that the song above is the perfect song to describe my inner monologue with myself finally. I know that true love will find me in the end and until then, I need to live my life by the precept of simplicity when it comes to dating. 

So a few changes to do so:

1. I will be talking far less about my dating life to my friends (and quite frankly, strangers). So to the 1% who ask questions--you're welcome for giving you a reason to stop asking, my answers usually take too long. To the 99% who don't ask and hear anyways--you're just welcome. Now we'll all have to find something else with which to "occupy" our conversations.
2. I will be less critical on my blog. The more negativity I plant, the more negativity grows.
3. I will not be blogging about any girls that I'm dating anymore. 
4. The biggest change: I'm not going to be so focused with dating. I date enough that I can hang out with girls too. I'm ready to just be friends. Because in the end, that is what really matters, does it not? 

So there are the first changes to my (dating) life. I think they need to be done. So thank you in advance for your help in achieving these goals that will help true love find me in the end through simplicity...I think.

"Take a Break" and not "Breaking Up"?!?! BOOOO!

My friend who was in the midsts of a "break" recently defined it very clearly: "it's like when you don't talk to each other. Unless you want to...i guess(?)."

People, people people-- what is this "break" mess all about? It is the worst state you can be in. You might break down when you break up...but to just "break.' TERRIBLE idea. One heart is aching while the other is stringing along. It seems odd to even call is "break." Maybe it's actually spelled "brake'...? (ya know what, for the purposes of this post, I'll try a few different spellings and see what fits best.)

It's like "gression" where it isn't pro- or re-...it just is. 

I say if you are taking a brayk, give the person you are on a braik with more credit than just to tell them you need a brajck. Tell them why. 

And not this, 'i'm not sure' crap or 'I prayed and don't feel right about it', but real reasons. (I have to say, I can't believe God is so interested in making my dating life miserable that He has told as many girls as have used the "prayer" excuse not to date me. I think there is enough He has to worry about than answering some half-hearted "What should I do?" prayer when the real question is "can I dump him yet?". But I digress(....only slightly.))

So in the end, take a breijk when you are ready to end it for good and don't just lead them on. 

(And after reading this over...none of the spellings seem to fit. They all just seem so wrong...)

Chauvinism, Feminism and Chivalry--The Epic Struggle

I've heard three comments lately on dates or during girl talk and would like to address them:

1. "Men are chauvinistic pigs."
2. "I'm a feminist."
3. "Chivalry is dead."

All three of those comments have something in common (besides the fact that they can all be said in one breath by a girl who would wear 1/2 length khaki shorts and socks with crocks...): they represent a bitter perception plaguing this population of self-perpetuated pity (+5). Women expect, men exploit and all are left with nothing but their lonely pride to keep them company. 

Chauvinism is when guys need to compensate. For what? ...I'll let you decide.

Feminism is when girls victimize themselves. It is a cause that had its time in history and now we need to grow up. 

I don't believe that men are better or women deserve more; I am not a chauvinist or a feminist--I am a humanist. I believe that we should have a healthy respect towards each other, regardless. I work with Courage to Hope and I'm accused of being a feminist, I comment on my dating life and I'm branded a chauvinist.

To me, this is what it comes down to: women have babies; men open doors. 

Yes, men should open doors for women (and many do). And yes, men should also walk on the street-side of the side walk (and many don't know). And YES women should thank men for doing so. But let's all be REASONABLE.

I consider myself to be a pretty courteous person. I open a girl's car door getting in and let women go first and pay for meals. But when it comes down to it, I've been out with girls who won't get out of the car unless I open their door, have been offended for letting them go first and asked me on dates but didn't bring their wallets...AND the whole time never said 'thank you.' In all of those cases, I never even thought of a second date. 

And there are those guys who don't understand how to be polite (maybe they weren't raised by an upper-crust abuela gone common). But let's realize that for the most part, they are either the exception or just exceptionally obtuse. 

But when there is a mutual respect, it works. I dated a girl where we had that respect. She didn't expect and was grateful. I didn't exploit and was a gentleman. And (until she dumped me) it worked great.

So a final word to all you women-haters, man-eaters and self-embittered-victimizing-vindicators (2 points) who share your stemware filled with a 1963 malt served by a scantily clad waitress with your pirde....get over yourself. You are your own epic struggle.

6 Tips for Pursuing Women - GUEST POST by Bethany Coleman

“That's what they should teach us here. How girls' brains work...It would be more useful than divination, anyway...”    -Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

What you’re about to read is priceless, you know. Man has been hunting for this insider information since he was thrust out of the Garden of Eden.

Key things to keep in mind: women are about emotion. Women are about feelings. Women are about meaning, value, and significance.

For example, I have a friend (who introduced me to this blog, coincidentally) who recently went on a date with the boy who had been actively pursuing her roommate while the roommate was out of town for the weekend. (Background story: there wasn’t any established relationship between the boy/roommate at this time. They hadn’t kissed yet or anything. Also, the boy was a long time friend of my friend). Boy held girl’s hand. Girl thought “This means something. Holding hands is significant. He values me as a person and he must feel something for me.”
   Roommate came back from vacation, boy continued his pursuit, hardly acknowledging my friend as a person, let alone as someone he had used. (What a jerk. Let’s collect all those eggs from the closet and throw them in his general direction.)

   Next. Women want to be pursued (just don’t do it if you’re simultaneously pursuing their roommate. Or anyone else, for that matter. Polygamy ended in 1890, folks.) It’s this awful seesaw we play in the beginning of relationships or pre-beginning of relationships, and the whole thing became even more complicated when *“creeper” became a label. Honestly, all you have to follow is the Golden Rule. If you want her to talk to you at ward prayer, go talk to her. If you would want her to ask you out, ask her out. If you would want her to text you, text her. If you want her to like you, like her. There really isn’t anything wrong with showing you’re interested in someone. (And girls, please, for the love, if you know he likes you and you aren’t interested, just be honest. Men need blunt women.)
*about that. Being interested isn’t creepy. Standing outside their window singing love songs at 2 in the morning when you’ve only been on one date is creepy. Standing outside their window singing love songs at 2 in the morning when you’ve been out a lot, have a clear indication of mutual affection, and it isn’t finals week is adorable.

The 6 Tips for Pursuing:

1. Remember what I said about girls wanting to feel valued? They want to feel worth something, and have their talents and interests appreciated. If she can sing like an angel, compliment her voice. Don’t be intimidated by the girl majoring in Biochem, she will love you for being proud of her success. Go to her intramural games. Rave about her cookies. Say thank you for her Sunday School lesson. Isn’t that what you would want?
2. Never EVER use these words: hot, sexy, chick, etc. (Words that will melt her heart: beautiful, lovely, Love as a proper noun, even a simple “you look nice today.”)
3. Playing games is a no. On all sides. Zack gave us a wonderful lesson on this two posts ago. We’re not in middle school.
4. Follow the general rules of gentlemanry. Chivalry=attractive
5. Being on time for dates: major plus. It shows you care.
6. Listen to her when she talks. Remember what she says, her opinions, her favorites, her experiences.

So what is the major underlying theme of all this? Women are not that different from you. Really. Most of the things you want/expect out of dating are what she wants/expects. She wants you to be honest. She wants you to be yourself. She wants you to send her sweet texts in the morning. She’s equally nervous and afraid.

In an eggshell: Be honest. Be yourself. Don’t be a hand whore (pardon my French, that whole thing really ticks me off. Personal experience. No time to explain.) Women are only as confusing as you are. In the wise words of Dr. Seuss: “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

Tchüss.

How to Decide Between Dating Two People

I had to stretch to make this pic fit with the post...but too funny!

So we've all been in the situation where we meet two people pretty close together and we start to like both. So what to do?

To start we need to lay the groundwork assumption which I hold to be true, that you can only give your heart to one person at a time, and that is a decision you make. You can hook up with multiple people at the same time (which I will ALWAYS under ANY situation say is a huge NONO), but your heart will remain with one person. 

But if you are in the process of deciding, what should you do? 

Sometimes it can be a deadlock. 

One is smarter, the other is funnier. One is a little prettier, the other is a little better at social situations. One is more passionate, the other has more direction. One is secure, the other is adventurous. One is really nice, the other is a little sassy. 

Keep it simple. Don't just look at how you feel about that person, but look at how you feel about YOURSELF. 

Don't worry about choosing the hotter one or the better kisser or the one with the better resume or cooler friends....because in the end, when all of that melts away, it exposes the core of any relationship: how you feel about yourself when you are around and not around that person. 

And as my dear confidant who, earlier this year was choosing between two girls who wanted to mary him and who's advice I rarely heed, advises, "DO NOT wait too long to decide because it will damage the relationship with whomever you choose and you will die lonely." (I took some liberties with the end of his quote...)

Who inspires you? Makes you feel like a better person? Who doesn't make you feel like just some puppet or accessory? That is the seed of a great relationship. And if you put yourself into it and it is right, love will come.

For love is a magic potion that is concocted in the kitchen of decision with a little bit of help from the laboratory of luck. 

(oh, and as my for dear confidant, he waited too long to decide and hence, is not dating either of those girls--but he IS almost engaged to a third. ...maybe I should take his advice.)

Play the Right Game - Don't Be THAT Guy

So I was pursuing this girl who was great. I mean super attractive, amazing resume, very funny--any guy would look at her and be ready to date in an instant! I was honestly surprised that she was even interested in me. 

But then small things started to show a lack of interest like texting ON a date with me (terribly rude....by the way. almost elicits a ranting post in and of itself (Note to self: add a rant about texting to my "to blog about" list)), not calling back soon and then slightly demeaning comments. I asked around a little and found out that she was still interested in an old fling. (don't judge me for being creepy, blame the world for being too small)

So when I started to see her backing away, I decided to perform a social experiment. I wanted to play the game. And not just like a foursquare type of game, but the Mayan Ball Game where I would either be crowned a hero or die.

This is what happened: I told her I would show up at her house at 9pm on Sunday. I showed up at 9:45. I didn't even hug her when i walked in. I was rude. I teased her. I flirted with her roommates. I tasted her cookie dough and pretended I wasn't impressed. I even stuck a stick into the dough just to make a point that I could. 

I was just a class A jerk and left in less than 30 min feeling like a total tool. 

I really did feel bad. This totally is not my style at all. The only solace I had was knowing that this was my last ditch effort to get her.  

I confessed to my roomys what I had done and as they were lecturing me about why I shouldn't have done that, I get my first unsolicited text from her. BWHAAA???!

She wanted to get together that week. BWAAAAAAAAAAAAH???????! (Frankly, i was more disgusted that it worked than anything)

She calls me the next day to make sure that we are going out that week and to invite me on a date that weekend. 

We went out.

We went out again and even again. 

It was great, but she soon seemed to loose interest in me as I lost interest in playing the game...and she sacrificed me on her alter of unanswered texts.

So....what is the moral of the story? 

Ladies...stop being crazy. If you like a guy, like him. If not, don't start liking him because he is a d-bag. 

Fellas...if the only way you can get is is to play crazy games, you never had her. You can't get a girl to like you by not being you! 

Er'body...yes we need to play a little bit of the game, but play the right game. The game is not making it TOO obvious when you are interested. It is even biblical. Proverbs 29:11 reads "a fool uttereth all his mind; but a wise man keepeth it in until afterwords." 

The game is about intrigue, not injury. 

So don't be that guy. Don't play the nasty games. Don't put up with those games. 

You are better than that and you deserve someone who will think the same. Put away your name badge and become your guy.