It was actually our fourth date in a week and a half. But like real dates. No croquet in the park with glowstick gates, no s'mores inside the car (a really fun date if you want to know how to do that), no just-add-girl date....but real great get-to-know you dates.
I thought things were going okay, but not so sure because she wasn't being as physical as I thought she would be. Not that a girl needs to make out with me on the first date (not like she doesn't NOT need to as well...but that's another post), but there was no forearm touch with head tossed back in slightly superflous (+2) laughter, no leg graze with an eye gaze, not even an extended hand grab to get my attention.
Then, the moment she opened the door for our fourth date it hit me like a ton of multi-colored bricks: we weren't dating.
I was her straight gay best friend.
'Zack,' my friends will say, 'come on now. How could you tell that from just looking at her?'
The giveaway: she was wearing crocks.
I mean crocks.
On a date.
CROCKS?!?!?!
The times it is okay to wear crocks: gardening, showering in a third world country...............and that's about it.
When she threw on a wrinkled collared shirt, I really couldn't keep it in anymore. I looked at her crocks and apparently was not very good at holding back my expression.
"What's wrong?" she probed.
"Ummm, did you just want to go to the drive-through?"
She started to laugh. I awkwardly chuckled....still waiting for a response.
Although I tried to ask her out again just in case, she declined, realizing my intentions were not to go shopping with her.
So here are some ways you can know if you are dating or just a straight gay best friend:
- If she wears crocks
- If she invites you to pick out jeans with her
- If she asks you to bring her Cherry Garcia ice cream
- If she asks you if you want to watch any Nicolas Sparks book turned movie
- If she says, 'We should get pedis!'
- If she asks you for guy advice.
MEN--If you are in the straight gay best friend zone...don't worry, it isn't a shot at your masculinity, but an assertion that you will get along well with your future wife.
WOMEN--If you have put a guy in the straight gay best friend zone...hate to break it to you, but you are a terrible person. (okay, you're not a terrible person, but you are wasting a lot of guys' time. He doesn't want to be friends with you even if he thinks he wants to be friends with you. No one likes being just friends with their crush--oh, and that 'one guy' isn't the exception.)
Now, if you are a gay guy, would you PLEASE set up your straight guy friends? You have so many hot girl friends.
I love my crocs. And that is all.
ReplyDeleteCrocs are only appropriate for gardening and showering in third world countries if you are also over 60. In fact, if you are a senior citizen AND stuck in assisted living, I'd say you can wear crocks whenever the hell you want. Especially if they match your nightgown.
ReplyDeleteHere is another hook-up hint... The straight gay friend is also applied to most married men! If you are married then most women don't see you as someone who will potentially hit on them or ask them out on a date, so where do you end up? The gay straight zone.
ReplyDeleteSo just like Zack said at the end... if you are gay set up your straight friends. This also applies to the married man to his single guy friends. You have now entered the sacred hot girl friend zone... hook a brother up!
Hahahahaha oooh my gosh. I 100% agree about the crocks comment. Yeah if you are old I can understand that too. This post is hilarious. Love it.
ReplyDelete"like a ton of multi-colored bricks"... hilarious Zack!
ReplyDeleteJust found this blog and couldn't stop laughing! I thought back to a past date i had... and i knew the boy liked me but i did NOT like him. He was just my straight gay friend. Can you guess what shoes i wore?? Coincidence? Nope.
ReplyDeletecherriochelsey.blogspot.com
Lola, loving your commentary.
ReplyDeleteCrocs is all it takes to tell boys that? Wish I would have known...
Made me laugh outloud. Nice work, brosef. If only I had known about the Nicholas Sparks one back when I was such an unassuming lad...
ReplyDeleteI assume you are differentiating "straight-gay-best-friend zone" from "friend zone". I've come to understand from a particular youtube video that girls can never be "just friends" with guys - the guys will almost always be willing to turn it into more with just a word from the lady. But I hope you're not saying that we girls are horrible people for trying to have male friends. I agree the straight-gay-best-friend treatment is hurtful and leads the poor fellow on.
ReplyDeleteAnd I wouldn't even leave the house if one of my girl friends was wearing crocs. *shudder*
"showering in a third world country" GOLD
ReplyDeleteHaha! I love it! And the last part of this post made me think of a video that you might have seen, but if you haven't here it is :D
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA
Crocs are also okay if you have been married for more than a year. Maybe you should tell her how you feel.
ReplyDelete~http://samanthasnewgarden.wordpress.com/
Crocs and Uggs are never EVER acceptable footwear. I completely and utterly agree with this post!
ReplyDeleteYou've probably already read this quote but I read it today and thought about you always writing about the friend zone.
ReplyDelete"A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired."
Hope you enjoyed it if you haven't seen it before.
Bahahahaha. So incredibly hilarious and true. Although I disagree...I don't even think it's acceptable to wear crocks in third world countries.
ReplyDeleteThe difference between the friend zone with guys and girls is that: if the girl seems interested and the guy likes her, he will take her out of his "friend" zone. She will not return the favor if he's already her straight gay bff. There are those random stories you hear of people suddenly falling in love and unfriend zoning each other. I'm not sure it always works though.
ReplyDeleteSo what about the times when the situation is reversed? I've seen this happen quite a bit with some friends I care about, and it frustrates me:
ReplyDeleteA girl and a guy spend all their time together. They get along amazingly well/know each other better than anyone else...yada yada yada. The girl has feelings for the guy and after some time either tries to give him hints (admittedly not a very effective tactic) or flat out tells him. And they still go on being just friends. I get that he isn't interested, but how does this work? Why does a guy invest like that when he's not interested? And even then tell the girl that he broke up with a girlfriend because the girlfriend wasn't like the first friend girl?
Do guys think of girls sometimes as their best-straight-lesbian friends, the same way that girls sometimes think of guys as their best-straight-gay friends?
Confusing.
I wouldn't be caught dead in crocs. Even around my straight-gay-friend. And I most certainly wouldn't be caught like that around my gay friends. Crocs are an abomination.
ReplyDeleteHahahah. Your ending remarks are too good.
ReplyDeleteI think i get the hint. Guys and girls cant be friends, UNLESS it is to have that straight gay best friend. I totally hear ya.
Ladies.....The worst is when it is the other way around. The hot "straight" guy who you are dating says 'We should get pedis!' It makes you start to wonder...
ReplyDeleteHow to know if your man is not as straight as he thinks:
1. He dresses better than you
2. He has a lot of friend-girls
3. Looks in the mirror more than you
4. If you ask him to look at his nails, he looks at them palm facing out (like you would)
5. Will ditch a football game for working out at the gym
6. Is completely honest about how your butt looks in those jeans
Bahahaha...amen! Love that advice.
Deletewhat if you have a gay best friend that tells you he wants to be your boyfriend?
ReplyDeleteThe curse of the modern American male...a woman who says, "I want to marry my best friend," and then tells her best friend, "I don't think of you in that way."
ReplyDelete