Why Parades Don't Float my Boat

Ah, July 5. The day that is full of figuring out how to pay those fines for the illegal fireworks, buying new shoes since the soles of the ones we wore last night were ruined while putting out small fires and the day of reprieve from parades (until thanksgiving). 

[cue gasp]

Yes, folks, I don't like parades. And it isn't just the fact that others are getting more attention than me, it is so much more (self realization moment....and we're done). 

I consider myself a man of principle. Now while sometimes I just say that and am not sure exactly what it means (I don't eat fish out of principle), this time I actually have something to back it up. 

What do we teach every child growing up? What are the fundamental "don't's" to keep kids safe? 

1. Don't eat off of the ground.
2. Don't take candy from strangers.
3. Don't run into the street.

WELL CAN SOMEONE LET ME KNOW WHO HAS RAINED ON MY PARADE OF RATIONALITY? It is like the convention of obnoxious teenagers got together and said, 'how can we come up with something that will undermine everything parents ever taught us as children...?' and their answer: PARADES. 

Our children are friggn' bolting into the streets to eat candy off of the ground thrown by STRANGERS! 

Now before you get the gallows ready for my unpatriotic sentiment (God save the president...or this country from the president--whichever will make you happy), know that I love this country and I love apple pie and I love fast food and Hulk Hogan--I am American! But I also love principle. And while I'm sure my children will love knowing that for 364 days a year they have to listen to me, if they're anything like me, I just need to pray for rain on that one day they apparently don't.