My Most Romantic Kiss Ever -- The Kissing Cosmos: Part 3

I was 18--just a kid with a big dream backpacking through Europe with two buddies.

We ended up in the Italian Riviera in the costal towns of Cinque Terre. It was breathtaking. 

The first night, while walking on the beach, we bumped into a group of young Italians where I met this girl who was simply stunning (+2, although that was too easy). We hung out for the next two days. Laughing while trying to understand each other, eating gelato and strolling around the villages. On my last night there, she told me to meet her on the beach. 

As I approached the appropriate (a)place (that was an Italian accent, so +2.5), I heard soft love ballads playing and saw an array of candles surrounding a gently tossed blanket resting slightly in front of the encroaching tide. The sky above lit the surrounding scene with starlight as as distant Mediterranean lighting storm softly silhouetted (+3) an old stone lighthouse on the near horizon. And there, under the watchful eye of lady luck, I was without choice. 

I couldn't not kiss her. 

And just as I was trying to figure out which way to turn my head (I've since learned it is ALWYAS right for the first kiss), BOOM! She went in for it and laid one on me. 

[Ladies read here] It was magical.

[Fellas read here] It was (deep voice) sweeeeeeEEEEEEEEeeeeet!

The next morning she met me outside and walked me to my train where we kissed one last time before I stepped on board amidst the conductor yelling in Italian "All aboard!" I opened the window and touched her hand as the train slowly pulled out of the station. She ran along side of the train until the end of the platform and as I went speeding off into the distance I knew that while I might not have gotten a varsity jacket in high school (I got my first letter end of my senior year), I had a story to make my father proud. 

This was the kind of stuff that you can't write about (except for every classic love movie, book, poem....and this blog post. Okay, I take that back). This was the kind of stuff that you HAVE to write about. It was exactly how I envision the Epstein Twin's saw what a kiss should be. 

So there, at 18, with my 4 words of Italian and her 100 or so words of English, I learned a lesson that I first heard in 1989:

Cuties vs. Creepers (PROJECTION...again!)

Thanks to my man, BMoore for showing me this. I may not have glasses as cool as him, but we still see things eye to eye. (Check him out...he's single.) (he asked for the first I demanded the second)

"I'm Not Shallow....You're Ugly"

I was hiking the grand canyon in 2004 and had an opportunity to go off the beaten trail to Havasupai. It was 4 miles off the course we were on and I was already hot and tired. I didn't want to go. I had seen waterfalls and knew it wouldn't be worth the time. A friend encourage me to go anyways, and I remember standing in front of that sign with a fork in the trail wondering which way to go. Havasupai or getting to camp early?

---

Those who know me, know me well. 

It is no secret that I can be pretty shallow, but I've been thinking lately about why it is so easy to be shallow. 

I know that the personality is the premier paradigm of paradise on earth (+4); yet I find myself not dating girls because I don't feel that immediate physical attraction. 

Then, with the help of some friends I realized why. 

Projection. 

It is that simple. I project. You project too. 

Imagine with me fellas...you walk into a party and see a beautiful girl. Within seconds, you see her as nice, sweet, caring, strong and compassionate. But whoah--you never even talked with her! 

And ladies...a guy is chivalrous, thoughtful, considerate and talented--but you call him a "creeper" because he isn't good looking. Even though the only real interaction you've personally had with him was that one time he brought you cookies (that were pretty good, at that).

You projected. 

We make attractive people better and unattractive people worse by imagining who they are because that is what we WANT them to be. We don't give ourselves a chance to get to know them because, quite frankly, we don't want to get to know them. I mean who doesn't want to be with an attractive person and who wants to be with an unattractive person?

Maybe the process of maturation with attraction is the ability to understand that in 5 years when one kid is sick and the wife has diarrhea and you just lost a big client...what will matter then? the hourglass figure? the perfect complexion? the great legs? or the deep and abiding testimony? the resilient attitude? the positive outlook?

---

I took the road less traveled by that day and went to Havasupai. What I found was one of the most beautiful sites in the entire world. The memory can still bring tears to my eyes when I think about the crystal reflecting pool, small cavern behind the waterfall and the dancing sunlight illuminating a nest of newborn birds. It really did make all the difference.

So thank you to my friends who encourage me to take the time to veer back on course, which often times for me, seems to be off the beaten trail. 

Lips and Movies -- The Kissing Cosmos: Part 2

We've all gotten (sent) this text at 11pm: "Hey...you up?"
Inevitably, the response, "Ya. whatsup?"
"Come over! Let's watch a movie!"

I don't care who you are, you don't get that text and NOT know what's going down. So let me say two things on this sad subsequent-sunset situation (a stretch, so i'll give it 3.5...judges? *BZZZ* Dang!).

First of all, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND MAKING OUT DURING MOVIES! The only movie I have kissed a girl was Ben-Hur and that is only because you can go 20 minutes kissing and not miss much and plus, it was the second time i had seen it that summer (it was kind of a boring summer, don't hate). If I want to watch a movie, I put in a movie. If i want to kiss, i put the car in park. Very simple.

If you can kiss ANYtime, why pay money for it?

Now, a movie CAN be a great way if you are too chicken liver to break the physical barrier with a hand hold or cuddle; but I don't want your greasy butter lips all up in my grill when I'm trying trying to use my Droid to wikipedia someone's name while watching Midnight in Paris to see if I actually got the joke.

The second thing I want to say about movies and lips is, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND CHITCHAT DURING MOVIES! Holy cow, people! Okay, an original observation, a quick question, a cute comment (+6 combo boom!)--but to ask me my political views during the opening scene of The Ring doesn't work. The opening scenes are CRITICAL.

I was on a movie date with a girl that seriously was just talking and talking and talking and talking. And she was asking me all sorts of questions. I mean, I appreciate her trying to get to know me and I was interested in what she was saying, but here's a little get to know me moment: I don't like talking during movies. Let's have that be the first question if you are a movie-chatter.

About the 20th question, she goes, "So...what is your favorite movie?"

I look at her and said, "well...it might be this one. How about we find out?"

A little rude, and I'm sorry...but the real joke is on me. She is married with 2 kids and I'm....well blogging about her.

Anyways...so in my opinion, the lips should be used sparingly during the movies. Who knows, maybe if you actually watch a movie, you can find new ways to kiss.

p.s. Just to let you know, even when kissing, water obeys gravity and will go up your nose if you try the spiderman kiss.

Why You Should NOT Take People's Advice in Dating

My buddy was telling this girl, with whom i was flirting, about my blog (never a good idea, I've come to realize...unless you are my buddy trying to pick up on the girl i'm...wait a second....BLAST! Foiled again by a wingman!), and he said he is a devoted reader. She asked if he was dating anyone and he replied, 'No, but I'm following this guy's every word of advice [overly awkward thumb point towards me], so I know I'm on the right path.' 

I looked at him...

in disgust. 

And not just because of the superfluous gesticulations, but let me tell you my friends, if you are taking "every word of advice" on this blog or from anyone else, you are nowhere near the right path (unless that path is the well trodden dirt road leading to the rope swing of loneliness...in which case, keep going straight until you hit the Squaw Peak parking lot and then hand right at the frozen yogurt shop on every block and then look kitty corner from the hot tub I live in--that's where it begins).

And while, there are some gems of wisdom that your trusted dating advisors will tell you, 1 out of 1 dating doctors will tell you these two pieces of advice: you are not them and they are not you.

You are not them: Their story, their situation and their happily (n)ever after are uniquely theirs. True love is like a snowflake because (...it dies when it touches me) each one is different than any other. So take their advice with a grain of snow melt. And realize that, while for them, the proverbial 'symbol' of love worked like a charm, it might produce adverse affects if attempted to duplicate.

They are not you: here is the truth I have come to realize in my meaning(full/less (this is a choose your own adjective adventure sentence)) meanderings (+3) through dating is that eventually, the other person is going to have to get to know you. The more advice you take, the less they are dating you, but rather a conglomerate of the bits of advice you have gotten from everyone else. Just be yourself. If they like you, they will realize it faster; if they don't, you will get over it faster. 

So take advice, but take it in doses and take only when needed. And THAT advice is OTC (off the chain)!

Top 10 Signs of a Bad Kiss -- The Kissing Cosmos: Part 1

To kick off the Kissing Cosmos: A Personal Voyage, I thought I would share a list of all the girls I've kissed. Then realizing it would be a surprisingly (short/long/average) list, I just decided to look at some of the bad kisses I've had and share their reasons.

We've all been one character in this scene (maybe some both...?): boy and girl at doorstep. Slightly forced conversation, a hug that lingers too long, they look into each other's eyes...but no, the guy chickens out and goes back in for another hug again repeating, "No, but it REALLY was a great time tonight." Pulls back again with hands on the small of her back while pulling the girl close. FINALLY, he goes in and lays one on her. 

...but something just went wrong. 

Terribly wrong.

You back up try to play it off like you would passing gas in an elevator and blame it on the other person, but you're not sure if they even knew it was a bad kiss.

Well, let me share with you the top 10 Signs of a Bad Kiss. Please feel free to add in the comments.

10. She pats on back and says "Oh, bless you" as she looks at you like she would a sad puppy dog

9. The only post-kiss conversation has to do with the weird noise that happened while you kissed

8. She just laughs 

7. She says, "Well, I guess that was it."

6. You call her by the name of your ex girlfriend from 2 years earlier while kissing

5. She pulls away really fast and asks, "Hey, are you hungry?"

4. She pulls away really slowly and asks, "Hey, can you not do that circle thing?" 

3. The only thing you can think about while kissing her is your grandad drinking eggnog

2. You miss and clank teeth

And the way tot tell if it was the worst kiss ever is if right after you kiss she says, "So....just to let you know. I'm going to still be dating other people."

And as for telling if it was a good kiss....oh, my friend, you'll know. You will most certainly know. 

Introduction to The Kissing Cosmos Series

I've been thinking a lot about kissing lately (always), and figure it is time to do a kissing series. I take my title from the 1980's hit, hosted (+1.5 for punctuation) by the most romantic man that ever was: Carl Sagan. (I'm assuming if my google analytics (dating life) is descriptive of my readers, you will have to do more research on who exactly, Carl Sagan is. For more info on him, please click here. No really, please...just click it. What...? Yes you can trust me! You did when you told me not to write about you on this blog on that date....okay fine, bad example. But THIS time you can trust me!)

I will share some romantic, embarrassing and (...well that's about it) stories about kissing. 

So cozy up, put that popcorn bowl away from between us and let's share that micro-fiber blanket--because the Easter Closet is about to get cuddly as I delve into the Kissing Cosmos: A Personal Voyage.

6 Ways to Know You are "Her Straight Gay Best Friend"

I was trying to date this girl. I had tried the year before, and, in fact, the year before. So third time is a charm(ing disaster), right?

It was actually our fourth date in a week and a half. But like real dates. No croquet in the park with glowstick gates, no s'mores inside the car (a really fun date if you want to know how to do that), no just-add-girl date....but real great get-to-know you dates.

I thought things were going okay, but not so sure because she wasn't being as physical as I thought she would be. Not that a girl needs to make out with me on the first date (not like she doesn't NOT need to as well...but that's another post), but there was no forearm touch with head tossed back in slightly superflous (+2) laughter, no leg graze with an eye gaze, not even an extended hand grab to get my attention.

Then, the moment she opened the door for our fourth date it hit me like a ton of multi-colored bricks: we weren't dating.

I was her straight gay best friend.

'Zack,' my friends will say, 'come on now. How could you tell that from just looking at her?'

The giveaway: she was wearing crocks.

I mean crocks.

On a date.

CROCKS?!?!?!

The times it is okay to wear crocks: gardening, showering in a third world country...............and that's about it.

When she threw on a wrinkled collared shirt, I really couldn't keep it in anymore. I looked at her crocks and apparently was not very good at holding back my expression.

"What's wrong?" she probed.

"Ummm, did you just want to go to the drive-through?"

She started to laugh. I awkwardly chuckled....still waiting for a response.

Although I tried to ask her out again just in case, she declined, realizing my intentions were not to go shopping with her.

So here are some ways you can know if you are dating or just a straight gay best friend:

1. If she wears crocks
2. If she invites you to pick out jeans with her
3. If she asks you to bring her Cherry Garcia ice cream
4. If she asks you if you want to watch any Nicolas Sparks book turned movie
5. If she says, 'We should get pedis!'
6. If she asks you for guy advice.

MEN--If you are in the straight gay best friend zone...don't worry, it isn't a shot at your masculinity, but an assertion that you will get along well with your future wife.

WOMEN--If you have put a guy in the straight gay best friend zone...hate to break it to you, but you are a terrible person. (okay, you're not a terrible person, but you are wasting a lot of guys' time. He doesn't want to be friends with you even if he thinks he wants to be friends with you. No one likes being just friends with their crush--oh, and that 'one guy' isn't the exception.)

Now, if you are a gay guy, would you PLEASE set up your straight guy friends? You have so many hot girl friends.