So I've started dating this girl and since I think there is potential, I told her how I usually get girls to dump me so that she could help stop me before it is too late.
"The Shovel" is the easiest most subliminal breakup tool and one which, until I did a post-failed-last-5-year-dating-analysis, I almost did not know that I did. It is simple really, you just dig yourself so deep into disenchantment in her eyes, that the she can't help but call the relationship dead.
I'll use the example of a dear friend of mine who is now married. (For privacy, I won't say who it is...but you can check out her twitter feed here)
We went out for a couple of weeks and the situation started to simmer around semi-serious (+5). That is about when I (previously) would try to creep into the caves of clandestine solitude (+3) (...aka, hang out at the hot tub to pick up on new chicks). I subconsciously decided that something needed to be done. I started asking her about her favorite family traditions on a date and she told me about Christmas. I took the hook and went off like a bad episode of deadliest catch (which I always thought was a dating show until recently). I told her how much I hated Christmas and how much I hate Christmas trees and the commercialization and pageants and on and on and on. By the end of 3 hours, she told me that she didn't think we should be together. It wasn't until I felt a hugh sigh of relief that I realized that the entire conversation was to get her to not want to date me.
I love Christmas! I love the trees the pageants the lights the family the egg whites on Christmas morning the family time and especially the commercialization!! So why? Why would I tell her all of that?! Why would I wrap a relationship with two careful weeks of constant courting and tie is off with strings of compliments just to surprise her with scammed skeleton in my ever so easter closet?
It was near the end of the evening that everything clicked.
I realized that if SHE got to TELL ME that SHE wanted to stop dating, than I could cower away from my feelings about being unsure and insecure, she could feel empowered for doing the dumping and I...aye, I would be the victim. It was perfect....perfect for staying single until you are 26, that is.
Before the end of the date, I confessed my epiphany. I told her that I really do love Christmas and I am just a commitment-a-phobe and was trying to get her to dump me by sabotaging the relationship. She then realized how many issues I had and decided to stick by her decision, regardless.
...smart girl.
Luckily, as a recovering single-addict, I can say that it appears that cupid is not dead. He has not, in fact, been hit by one of his many arrows he shot my way that has gone all around the world of girls to pierce the dark side of his heart. Perhaps it is time I put away "The Shovel" to burry the remains of romance and smell the funeral roses. Maybe, just maybe...even after all his hard hopeless work on me, he may have just saved one more arrow in his quiver.
