Practice Safe Dating--Use ProTEXTion

Your phone buzzes. 

Maybe it's her. 

You frantically fumble for your fragile phone, figuring your frenzied fingers would forge a fantastic retort, inasmuch as 'forming funny texts' finds itself in the features of your fortes (+13).

You unlock the homescreen--an exhalation of excessively elevated expectations (+4) comes rushing out, oozing into the reality of the concocted conjecture...it wasn't her. 

It was your mother...

With a picture message of a pair of shoes asking you if she should buy them. 

You respond: They look good!

The exclamation mark was pretend. 

An ACTUAL text convo I had this year.
Note the day and month. #Awk.

We have all been there. (That is actually one way that I know if I like a girl--do I wish that every text I get was from her?)

There is nothing worse than sitting your phone down waiting for that little green light to flash showing any unattended-to alerts. Every few min you check...just in case that light isn't working for some reason. 

But eventually it will flash and let's talk about how to not go crazy when that happens. 

Texting Before You Start Dating:

• But know this, just because she/he hasn't texted you doesn't mean that they don't like you. 
• Don't ever say anything over text that you don't want their roommates to invariably read. That stuff will be blogged about (...hope you're okay with that, Amber). 
• And if they do text you, don't be so needy. Give it some times, make them at least think you weren't waiting for their text all day.
• If you text late at night to see them, be sure that you are only looking for action. Insidious implications are inherent and disappointment precedes precedent unmet. Instead of saying 'want to watch a movie?' why not just say, 'booty txt?' It isn't about not feeling gross about yourself afterwards, that is inevitable; it is about adults consenting to feel gross about themselves afterwards...beforehand.

Texting After You Start Dating:

• Let's keep it simple here. Know that a text is not a forum for freakishly frequent interrogations. Let's all just calm down a little on WAYDRN's (what are you doing right now) and the photos of your food...that's what insta is for.

Texting ANYtime:

• Use smiley's and excited punctuation with caution. Do you yell at people and act like a pervert all day? Because this world would be a much creepier place if we winked as much as people do in texts. And when I see three exclamation marks I think of a teenage girls holding hands, jumping and screaming because one of them got snapchatted a pic of her tool boyfriend with his shirt off. ...and I don't want to think about that. 

So remember, use common sense, give people space and know that while no pure relationship is built on the altar of texting, many are sacrificed thereon.

May that green flashing notification be shining ever in your favor.

Practice safe dating--use proTEXTion.