Confessions of a Recovering Perfection-aholic

I drop by my old roommate's apartment to catch up after not seeing him for a couple of weeks. 

He sees me walk in and without even making eye contact asks, "So how are things going with that one girl?" his a half-smirk hinted at his undeniable undertones of subtle scoffing (3x2=6pts). 

I knew he had no idea who that 'one girl' was, but after knowing me for a few years, he just assumed there was some'one girl'. 

I pretended to not notice his gentle jab. 

"Eh...you know how things go. It didn't work out. She--"

"What was wrong with this one?" The facetious flavor became more pronounced (by the way, "facetious" is one of 38 words in the English language that uses all of the vowels in alphabetical order...just in case you get nothing out of this post, there is at least one thing). 

He got a little more to the point while looking up from his book, "I think you are too picky."

My response for the last 6 years was that I was not picky, I just wanted someone with whom I could fall in love. Not too much to ask...right?

Right. 

Well...unless of course you are only willing to fall in love with perfection. 

I have ended things with so many amazing girls just because I thought they were crazy. I mean, I used to think that 1/3 of all women were crazy, so I just looked for those 2/3. Then as I've aged, I've realized my assumption is incorrect. The truth is that ALL women are crazy...1/3 of the time. (And guys are immature 3/3 of the time, so sorry about that)

And in looking back at the things I haven't liked about girls, it has included traits like being too young, too old, too nice, not nice enough, too serious, too immature, too skinny, not skinny enough, too concerned with fashion, not good style, weird friends, messy, plain, quirky, too busy, too available...and on and on. Now if one person had all of those traits, then yeah, maybe we could look elsewhere (like to a shrink for bi-polar disorder).

But chances are, I've stopped liking girls after a first date and never gave them a chance (or better put, gave myself a chance to like them) because of some minor flaw. Maybe I exacerbated-ly extrapolated her quietness into something that would be the grounds for divorce or a broken home or a miserable life every time I came home from work and then I would be bored when we were sitting in our rocking chairs watching our great-grand-kids just sit in the yard like idiots and watch the grass grow because they learned how to be dull from my wife. 

Well slo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-w down there Tonto! It is a first date...

And therein is the problem. We feel that if there is something we notice in the beginning we don't like, we fail to give them a chance. But if we are feeling off for a night, we expect them to give us another chance. 

For the more we date, the more we realize what is so great about the other people. We begin to form this Captain Planet as an assimilation of the powers of all your previous relationships combined. See, I've dated the perfect girl for service, the perfect girl for beauty, the perfect girl for spirituality, the perfect girl for intellect, the perfect girl for cocktail parties and on and on and on...but they were all different girls. I will never find someone who possesses all of those qualities and hope that someone doesn't expect me to posses them as well.

As a recovering perfection-aholic, might I suggest a simple phrase to keep in mind. A phrase that we expect of others to believe about us but find others to be the exception for us--

Give them the benefit of the doubt--until they give you reason enough to doubt the benefit. 

And there it is. 

So does perfect exist? Yeah, of course it does...just not in one person. (SHOCKER.)  I will never find a perfect match, and because of that, I don't have to marry a robot. See, I've realized that I'm going to date, marry and live with a human for the rest of my life. A human who not only has faults...but a human who can live with mine. For with all of their flaws, pet peeves, laziness, loudness and rudeness...humans are capable of love. 

Thank You, Mother(s).

How true it is that often our mothers' sacrifices seem like something they wanted to do. Their love makes their sacrifice not seem like a burden but a joy. That is charity.



Thank you, mother. And thank you mothers.

How to Pick a Restaurant for a Date--The 4 Steps

 

First of all, if you didn't know guys, a date, 99% of the time, includes food. If she is sacrificing an evening of the Bachelor to spend with you, you should at least feed her, you cheapo. 

Now, there are two main approaches, making food and going to eat. This post is going to cater to the latter.

You ask her out, she has a lapse of judgement and says yes, and the date is set. 

Stay classy, fellas. 

STEP 1: The day before the date, give her a call in the evening

and give her SOME details on your plan. (Oh, STEP 0 is make a plan.) Don't spoil it, but do let her know what attire would be appropriate Note: do NOT tell her what specifically to wear, but rather I usually say, 'And as far as what to wear, don't worry about wearing stilettos and you can leave your hiking boots at home. We will be mainly in doors.' And let her know that you will be feeding her. Ask her if she has any allergies or any food she hates.

STEP 2: Look in the area of the activity (because you better have an activity planned or you have not read enough of this blog) for a restaurant that fits the allergies and food preference of the date that are within your budget. If you're not sure what your budget is, take a personal finance course. Honestly, man. 

STEP 3: Choose TWO restaurants that look really good to you. For this example, I will choose PF Chang's and California Pizza Kitchen.

STEP 4: When you pick her up and you are on your way to the area of the date, make sure that she is still hungry and didn't just eat by some turn of fate...funerals, surprise bridal showers, roommate breakup consolations are all things that may have happened right before the date. If she is still hungry, ask her which TYPE of restaurant she would like. For my example, I would say something along the lines of, "Awesome! Well would you prefer Chinese or American food?" Let her choose, without telling her the restaurants and then just drive there and surprise her. If she ends up hating that particular place, that's fine because you have your backup. 

This works so much better than just taking a girl somewhere without her having any say or even worse...the kiss of death, "So...where do you want to eat?" I've found that while women might not always know what they want, they know what they do NOT want. 

If you ask "Where do you want to eat?", they are likely to respond, "Anywhere...I'm fine with whatever!" And the following conversation will ensue. 

What happens when you don't feed people that should be.

"Denny's?"

"No..."

"Arby's?"

"Not a huge fan."

"Chef's table?"

"Not really my thing."

"PF Chang's?"

"I've only eaten there once and it wasn't amazing."

"So where do you want to go then??"

"Whereever...I'm not picky."

Listen, fellas, dating can be a lot better if you just plan ahead. As painful as it may be, a poorly prepared date is much worse for the girl. Follow these four steps to picking the restaurant for a date and you will find your evening full of delicious enjoyment and sweet conversation. 

Three Phases of Post-Break-Up Make-Up

So you got dumped. Don't worry, you can do better, they didn't deserve you, yadayadayada (not the Seinfeld "yadayadayada")

But now what? 

Can you move on? Will you ever find someone as amazing? Will you ever be able to open up again? Should you send the other person a nasty text from a different number? 

There are a few definitely's in there and maybe one or two maybe's. But that's not the point. The point is that now, before you decide to egg his car or ask out her ex-roommate, you should make certain to go through the three phases of a break-up and how to make-up for all the junk that comes along with it. 

PHASE 1: Medicate

Right after the break-up, you will need to just treat yourself. 

I was recently introduced to Denali Extreme Fudge Chocolate Moose Tracks...it only comes in break-up sizes. Get some. Edward was given Ben and Jerry's by Jon Stewart a year ago when Bella showed that she was a wolf in sheepish clothing (or not, depending on what point in time we are talking about). 

Also, for the first few nights, grab a few Melatonin pills and a bottle of Doterra lavender oil. Oh, and break-ups are the exact reason that you can get a free month of Hulu plus.

There are always massage Groupons as well. Splurge. Find the cheapest one and then go to that spa and pay full price...just because you deserve it.

With social media and break-ups, it might not be a bad idea to change settings in Facebook so they don't show up in your newsfeed. Don't give them the satisfaction of un-friending them. WAaaaaaaAAAAaY too dramatic. And don't be so quick to untag your photos. In due time. And hey, both the Zucksters and I find blogging about it to be therapeutic, though discretion is advised. For while you MIGHT become a gazillionaire, you for sure will be labeled a "DB". 

And most importantly, don't feel bad about feeling bad. Remember, treat yourself; don't beat yourself. Just give yourself some time.

How much time? 

Well, for me once when things weren't very serious and it took me 10 minutes (wasted 3/4 of a tub of ice cream) and another time it took me about three years (single handedly put Ben and Jerry's Frozen Greek Yogurt Strawberry Shortcake back on the map)...but that those are both my 'too short' and 'too long'. As for the 'just right,' simply make sure that every day, you are closer to getting over it than the day before...or until your subscription to Hulu Plus for free runs out. (Tip: avoid going into the Netflix free trial on the same round. Save that for the next break-up.)

PHASE 2: Meditate

Once you have treated yourself...recalibrate. Get to know yourself, by yourself, again and take some time with just you. Once, I got all Walden and went to the woods for 8 hours without speaking a single word. I even spent over an hour just following an ant. (Not a recommended method of meditation.) 

Just chill your face down... 

If you can't find anything to think about, ask yourself a few simple questions...Where are you in life? Where do you want to be? What is preventing you from being there? What do you need to get there? How can I burn off those ice cream calories?

Unhelpful questions are pretty much anything you think of during the first phase. 

PHASE 3: Mega-Date

You might be nervous, but your Mr/Miss "Tidwell" is waiting.

NOW, once you have sufficiently treated yourself and greeted yourself into contemplation, it is time to move on. Girls, make yourself available by going to parties and telling hot guys, 'we should do something together'. Guys, go through your phone and find the girl that you always wanted to ask out and take her on the date of her life. Just go out and meet people. 

But beware, if you skip phase 1 and 2 and jump right to this, you will NCMO. If you are wondering what that is, ask your sorry roommate where (s)he was until 3am the day AFTER they got dumped. 

Remember that these aren't stringent steps, but guidelines that have helped me through the majority of my dating life. May these phases speedily lessen the feel of the barrage of break-up endeavor until the real mirage of make-ups forever.

Six Tips to Tip the Scale in Your Favor

Parent of the Year Award.

A while ago, a friend told me I looked "exactly" like one of his friends. He explained that it was "eerie" how similar we looked. He then showed me a picture. 

Aside from having glasses and wearing pastels, this guy had a good 150 pounds on me.

A really good 150. 

So I started to try to lose weight. Here are some tips that have helped me in the past and that I am currently using to tip the scale in my favor. So yeah, if you're wondering...this post is not about dating. 

1. Weigh yourself naked. 
2. If you have a digital scale, stand on the corners, it won't pick up all your weight. If you have a nice digital scale and this doesn't work, don't worry, you can buy a cheap one at Walmart. 
3. If you have a regular scale, you can find a little dial in the back. Just turn it counter-clockwise. 
4. Weigh yourself under a pull-up bar...and use it. Leaning against counters works well too.  
5. Weigh yourself twice. First time, hold something heavy, then put it down and weigh yourself again. The only limit to how much weight you can lose instantly is your own strength. Using moving straps can help too. I've heard of people doing this with whole refrigerators in a pinch, when they needed to loose a couple hundred pounds fast.
6. Removal of non-essential body parts and organs is great. I've gotten 4 teeth removed and my galbladder taken out. I'm currently researching the appendix. The ounces really start to shed. Cutting off all your hair works pretty well too. 

Well there you have it. My six tips. Have a happy (meal) day!